Lesser-Known Provisions Hidden in the Republican Tax Plan

Co-Authored by Diana Vilibert 

Each assault rifle you care for now qualifies as a dependent.

Individuals in Puerto Rico who incurred hurricane-related damages will receive six thoughts and prayers annually.

Medical deduction available only to taxpayers whose Viagra expenses are more than 10% of their adjusted gross incomes.

Eggplant emoji. 🍆

Tax refunds for same-sex married couples now only offered in the form of cakes depicting Pence’s top 10 biblical punishments.

Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) funding now reallocated to a program that televises trust fund teens making fun of poor people’s cars. (Premiering next fall on Fox.)

We’re going to start hunting the elderly. This isn’t a tax thing, we’re just putting it in here so you know when the two-minute head-start begins. (Now. It begins now.)

Just a crudely drawn illustration of a penis scribbled in the margins of page 326. Still…now it’s the law.

Offshore bank accounts are now taxed at the rate of churches. Churches now receive the funding of public elementary schools. Public elementary schools will be replaced with a handgun and an old copy of Highlights magazine.

The entire National Park Service now belongs to me, Dan, the third-shift assistant copy editor!

Anyone with a pre-existing condition will automatically get launched into space, but not in a fun way. This is for tax reasons.

Drilling in Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is now mandatory for all taxpayers.

Teacher expense tax credit will be replaced with one broken pair of craft scissors and half a bag of pipe cleaners (per school district).

Hissss, click. [Mastication sounds.]

Tax breaks for low-income families entirely obscured by a chilling fingerpaint reproduction of Edvard Munch’s The Scream.

Something in Russian. It’s probably fine.

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Republican Leaders Have Finally Figured Out That Donald Trump is Unfit for the Presidency

[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]The first few days of Donald Trump’s 17-day vacation seemed like a much needed, much-deserved break for the American psyche. News outlets were quiet(ish), Facebook feeds didn’t seem like they were exploding with anger, and generally, most people seemed to feel a tad less anxious than they had otherwise felt for the last six months.

Of course, as with all things Trumpian, this proved to be only the calm before a majorf*ckingsh*tstorm. In the span of a week, Donald Trump threatened a nuclear-powered state via Twitter, escalated tensions to the almost brink of war, failed to denounce White Supremacy after the horrific and tragic events in Charlottesville, Va, and, oh yeah: Basically said that Nazi’s aren’t all bad. 

Or to quote our Idiot-in-Chief directly, in his usual *eloquent* colloquialisms: “You had some very bad people in that group. But you also had people that were very fine people on both sides. You had people in that group – excuse me, excuse me. I saw the same pictures as you did. You had people in that group that were there to protest the taking down, of to them, a very, very important statue and the renaming of a park from Robert E. Lee to another name.”

But you also had people that were very fine people on both sides. Well, Mr. President, I’m not sure you did see the same pictures we/I/America/the rest of the whole damn world saw, because let’s get real here: No.

And it seems that finally, finally, Republican lawmakers are saying “no,” too. According to Carl Bernstein–the famed investigative reporter who helped oust Nixon after the Watergate scandal–Republican leaders in both Congress AND the White House are on the cusp of disavowing themselves from his Presidency, due to the fact that (*ding ding*) he is probably most likely unfit to serve.

Uhh, no sh*t Sherlock. We’ll see soon if Paul Ryan does indeed have a backbone or if he lost it somewhere in the streets of Tijuana. Highly doubt it, but at least we know now that National Socialism is just a step too far for the Grand Ole’ Party. Auf wiedersehen, Cheeto.