Rocket Man Files: Excerpts from the Diary of Kim Jong-un

Dear Diary,

Today the fussbudget has come up with a new name for me: “sick puppy”. What a totally lame insult. Donnie has been trying since day one to be my friend, but it’s never going to work. I’ve already declared him a social pariah – and also like a criminal and stuff, but whatever. He knows it too, which is why he’s trying so hard to ruin my reputation. Too bad for him, because I’m the most popular guy in North Korea.

Literally SO excited for my next military parade – even one parade has more people than at Angry Orange’s inauguration. I’ll bet he wants to start having tanks in DC too – such a wannabe.

It’s going to take a lot more than Twitter and lame insults at rallies to make Kim Jong-un lose the status of Queen Bee – I mean, supreme leader.

Until America detonates,
Lil Kim

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Kim Jong-un to De-Escalate Nuclear Warheads for KFC in Pyongyang

[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]Pyongyang, DPRK — North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has agreed to a temporary disarmament of the miniature nuclear warhead previously identified by U.S. military satellites in exchange for the opening of a KFC (NYSE: YUM) outlet, a popular American fast-food chain founded by Colonel Sanders.

Through a series of extraordinary negotiations between Pyongyang and the U.N. Security Council, Kim will reportedly allow for an unprecedented inspection and de-armament of North Korea’s nuclear arsenal, including the highly dangerous miniature warhead, after the construction of a three-story KFC in downtown Pyongyang is complete. Kim has reportedly requested KFC’s complete menu, including discontinued items, in addition to special “Korean” style items to suit the local palate.

According to unnamed sources close to the negotiating parties, Kim Jong-un has had an appetite for KFC’s Original Recipe chicken ever since he was a young boy. It is rumoured that his father Kim Jong-il introduced his second child to the fast food chain during a special screening of the Star Wars films, a perennial favorite in the Kim family.

Despite Kim’s frequent admonitions of U.S. “imperialist influences“, Kim has privately lamented the lack of quick access to the fast-food chain’s offerings. He was reportedly deeply unhappy with the buckets of KFC chicken flown in from South Korea, the closest neighbouring state with locations, claiming that the fried chicken was soggy and not meant to be consumed hours later.

Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, has tweeted about this global victory, calling it “the best deal I’ve mad [sic] … so far!! #MAGA”