In business, the first to enslave the most talented employees will often succeed.
Retirement packages aren’t what they used to be. Consider dying in a historic, molasses-themed catastrophe.
Few modern weight loss solutions offer the romance of cholera.
Real estate is at a premium these days. Look into renting a shared hovel with other desperate, shambling transients.
Dave in payroll might not keep miscalculating your commission if he were burned alive for being a witch. Just saying.
Crippling anxiety can often be alleviated by replacing it with a sturdy, metal hook.
In the event your favorite organic juice bar has been closed for health code violations, remember that blood letting is also a time-tested way to balance your humours.
If you find your honor has been sullied, don’t hesitate to challenge BelieberMom16 to pistols at dawn in your town’s designated dueling square.
Healthcare premiums are increasing. Consider enrolling in an employer-sponsored factory fire.
Identity theft has become a widespread occurrence. Avoid any bets that hinge on masquerading common cockney flower girls as proper English ladies.
Sufferers of paralyzing, existential angst can be thankful we live in a time when heroin is freely available everywhere without a prescription.
Resist the urge to constantly check your twitter feed by fitting urge with a restrictive bodice made from whalebone.
Don’t get hacked! Remember, the most secure way to share photos of your genitalia is by homing pigeon or another loyal animal you have painstakingly trained for just this purpose.
Online penis-enlargement schemes are a sham. Killing a giraffe is the only surefire path to ultimate male enhancement.
Corey Bernstein from high school won’t be de-friending anyone else on Facebook if she’s been poisoned at the spring cotillion in West Egg this year. Just saying.
In the event Russian oligarchs appear to be seizing control, remember that America’s free-market system produces the best oligarchs in the world.
The effectiveness of a simple hatpin cannot be overstated in determining if it is indeed Susan who’s been stealing your paleo snacks from the office minifridge.
That Miss Havisham costume from the Fairlane Middle School Advanced-English Jamboree could come in handy if Dave from OKCupid doesn’t text you back tonight.
Overprescription of ADHD drugs is a growing concern. Consider alternative therapies, like locking your child in an attic until he becomes famous for writing a poem about crows or whatever.
Remember, in the gig economy, everyone is a surgeon.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the President’s order to uncover the JFK Assassination files, Trump is now demanding the investigation of three more conspiracy theories. Namely, Area 51, the Pyramids of Giza, and Ganghis Kahn’s ability to sleep with thousands of women and father hundreds offspring.
A memo from the Oval Office leaked this morning.
Another unnamed source reveals that the White House has created teams to investigate each conspiracy theory.
“He’s recruited the top minds and scientists from Russia, and the most knowledgeable conspiracy theorists from the Midwest,” the WH source said. “Comey will not be invited.”
Each file being compiled for the mysterious cases are titled “Trump’d,” a term coined by the Commander in Chief himself.
“I can solve every mystery. I’m smart. I went to an Ivy League School. I’ve read books. Once a mystery is solved, I’ll say it’s been Trump’d!”