Trump Sacrifices Second Son Eric to Better Understand War Widow Pain

NEW YORK, NY — Donald Trump has sacrificed his second son, Eric Trump, in an effort to better understand the “war widow pain” everywhere. According to an unnamed source, Mr. Trump had been deeply distraught in the past week by the widespread criticism of his handling of a phone call to the widow of a U.S. soldier. He yearned to show America his “tremendous ability” to “empitize” [sic].

To turn the public eye away from his use of insensitive language with the war widow, mispronouncing the deceased’s name, and a bitter feud with Congresswoman Frederica Wilson, Mr. Trump made a huge sacrifice by killing his second son Eric in a midnight ritual at Trump Tower. It is still unclear how Eric was sacrificed. However, knowing Eric’s penchant for sweets and a fatal allergy to peanut butter, it is plausible that a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup did him in.

Mr. Trump allegedly had a hard time choosing the child who had to be sacrificed. He eventually settled on Eric through a process of elimination. According to the same unnamed source, Don, Jr., his first-born, is needed to run Trump enterprises. Ivanka is too much of a “hot piece” to knock off. And Barron is the only person in the White House who could turn on a computer.

At the end of the sacrifice, Mr. Trump reportedly muttered that he had “totally forgotten” about Tiffany.

The White House is expected to release a statement on Mr. Trump’s newfound ability to relate to the pain of a war widow losing a family member.

In light of the recent tragedy, Mr. Trump is on bereavement leave at his golf resort in New Jersey until he starts feeling better.


Little Boy Lost: Excerpt from the Diary of Eric Trump

[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]Dearest Diary,

Father has become cross with me again. Yesterday evening, I caught a glimpse of his great shadow walking towards the West Wing. Desiring but a moment alone with him, I silently rushed towards his broad shoulders, for I did not dare to disturb the deep thoughts brewing in his head. Perhaps I was too quiet — a flaw that has plagued me — because Father did not hear me until I stood right behind him, so close I could see the hairs on his masculine neck.

Father, I whispered. At that moment, he screamed in terror. Before I knew what was happening, six Secret Service agents had pinned me to the ground and applied the taser. As the jolts of electricity surged through my body, I could feel Father’s disappointment in his third-born.  

Stupid Eric! Why do I always make a fool of myself in front of Father? This would never happen to Donald, Jr.

I must do better.

Another setback: Ivanka says she does not want to be Cersei to my Jaime for Halloween festivities this year. Or any other year.

EFT 8/6/17