19th Century Advice for Your 21st Century, First World Problems

In business, the first to enslave the most talented employees will often succeed.

Retirement packages aren’t what they used to be. Consider dying in a historic, molasses-themed catastrophe.

Few modern weight loss solutions offer the romance of cholera.

Real estate is at a premium these days. Look into renting a shared hovel with other desperate, shambling transients.

Dave in payroll might not keep miscalculating your commission if he were burned alive for being a witch. Just saying.

Crippling anxiety can often be alleviated by replacing it with a sturdy, metal hook.

In the event your favorite organic juice bar has been closed for health code violations, remember that blood letting is also a time-tested way to balance your humours.

If you find your honor has been sullied, don’t hesitate to challenge BelieberMom16 to pistols at dawn in your town’s designated dueling square.

Healthcare premiums are increasing. Consider enrolling in an employer-sponsored factory fire.

Identity theft has become a widespread occurrence. Avoid any bets that hinge on masquerading common cockney flower girls as proper English ladies.

Sufferers of paralyzing, existential angst can be thankful we live in a time when heroin is freely available everywhere without a prescription.

Resist the urge to constantly check your twitter feed by fitting urge with a restrictive bodice made from whalebone.

Don’t get hacked! Remember, the most secure way to share photos of your genitalia is by homing pigeon or another loyal animal you have painstakingly trained for just this purpose.

Online penis-enlargement schemes are a sham. Killing a giraffe is the only surefire path to ultimate male enhancement.

Corey Bernstein from high school won’t be de-friending anyone else on Facebook if she’s been poisoned at the spring cotillion in West Egg this year. Just saying.

In the event Russian oligarchs appear to be seizing control, remember that America’s free-market system produces the best oligarchs in the world.

The effectiveness of a simple hatpin cannot be overstated in determining if it is indeed Susan who’s been stealing your paleo snacks from the office minifridge.

That Miss Havisham costume from the Fairlane Middle School Advanced-English Jamboree could come in handy if Dave from OKCupid doesn’t text you back tonight.

Overprescription of ADHD drugs is a growing concern. Consider alternative therapies, like locking your child in an attic until he becomes famous for writing a poem about crows or whatever.

Remember, in the gig economy, everyone is a surgeon.

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Driving Range Installed at White House to Curb Trump’s Tweeting

Washington, D.C. — In a desperate attempt to curb Trump’s tweeting, White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly has reportedly contracted a construction company to install a state-of-the-art driving range on the White House lawn.

Construction is set to take place while Mr. Trump is away on a 12-day Asia tour, which began yesterday. The driving range will boast 18 hitting stalls, enough for the President and many guests “on many sides.” A two-story club house is also in the works. It will be gold-crusted in the style of Trump Tower in New York City with large, swirling T’s emblazoned on the front.

It is well-known that Mr. Trump is an avid golfer, having played at least 33 rounds of golf since the inauguration on January 20, 2017. It is also clear that Mr. Trump loves using Twitter. He has earned himself questionable monikers such as the Tweeter-In-Chief and the Commander-in-Chirp. In his first 100 days, Mr. Trump sent out over 1000 tweets, despite promising on national television to restrain himself once he became president. Since announcing his candidacy back in 2015, Trump has sent nearly 10,000 tweets (including retweets). That makes for an average of 12 tweets per day.

An unnamed source reports that General Kelly is “praying” that this new “big boy toy” will keep both of Mr. Trump’s hands too occupied to send out 140 character messages. Trump’s tweeting about Crooked Hillary or Cryin’ Chuck or a number of his other Twitter enemies drops significantly once he leaves D.C. for one of his golf resorts.

It is rumored that General Kelly intends to keep Mr. Trump at the driving range as much as possible “for the sake of humanity’s survival.”

8 Halloween Costumes for the Swampiest Creatures in Washington D.C.

8. Betsy DeVos – Professor Umbridge

Betsy DeVos Halloween

DeVos doesn’t even need to try for Halloween. We all know this pink-loving, children-hating, Secretary of Education has been dying to dress up as Professor Umbridge for, like, her entire life.

7. Ivanka Trump – Dad’s New Girlfriend

Ivanka Trump Halloween

Everybody wants to talk about how in peril Melania and Donald are, and Ivanka has a great (the greatest!) sense of humor. This Halloween, she’ll go as none other than Dad’s New Girlfriend. After all, the President would date his daughter if he could.

6. Jared Kushner – Pinocchio

Jared Kushner Halloween

“No, sire, I did not collude with the Russians,” says Jared. Shut up Jared, your nose just grew about five inches.

5. John Kelly – John Kelly

John Kelly Halloween

John Kelly doesn’t need a Halloween costume. He is scary enough. Whatever you do, don’t cross him–or challenge him, as advised by Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

4. Mike Pence – Lucius Malfoy

Mike Pence Halloween

The quiet and plotting right-hand man of He Who Must Not Be Named, Mike Pence is undoubtedly Lucius Malfoy for Halloween. He is for sure one of the evilest members of the Trump administration and we hope Mueller throws his a** in Azkaban where it belongs.

3. Sarah Huckabee Sanders – Uncle Fester from Addams Family

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Halloween

LOLZ. Nothing else.

2. Chris Christie – Violet Beauregarde

Chris Christie Halloween

We all know Trumpkins is an Oompa Loompa for Halloween. His costume doesn’t even need to be discussed. But his number one lackey, Chris Christie, is most certainly Violet Beauregarde. Noisy, nasty, and a big ole’ fat blueberry. This Halloween costume wins the class contest.

1. Melania Trump – Eva Braun

Melania Trump Halloween

Poor Melania. She is the quiet, misunderstood, and tragically misplaced female arm-candy to the most dangerous man in the world. She was always going to be Eva Braun for Halloween.

Leaked Trump Memo Reveals Continued Conspiracy Theory Investigations

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the President’s order to uncover the JFK Assassination files, Trump is now demanding the investigation of three more conspiracy theories. Namely, Area 51, the Pyramids of Giza, and Ganghis Kahn’s ability to sleep with thousands of women and father hundreds offspring.

A memo from the Oval Office leaked this morning.

Conspiracy Theories Leaked

Another unnamed source reveals that the White House has created teams to investigate each conspiracy theory.

“He’s recruited the top minds and scientists from Russia, and the most knowledgeable conspiracy theorists from the Midwest,” the WH source said. “Comey will not be invited.”

Each file being compiled for the mysterious cases are titled “Trump’d,” a term coined by the Commander in Chief himself.

“I can solve every mystery. I’m smart. I went to an Ivy League School. I’ve read books. Once a mystery is solved, I’ll say it’s been Trump’d!”