And Down Goes Michael Flynn

Better get the clinker ready. Maybe Flynn and Kushner can share a cell.

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Rocket Man Files: Excerpts from the Diary of Kim Jong-un

Dear Diary,

Today the fussbudget has come up with a new name for me: “sick puppy”. What a totally lame insult. Donnie has been trying since day one to be my friend, but it’s never going to work. I’ve already declared him a social pariah – and also like a criminal and stuff, but whatever. He knows it too, which is why he’s trying so hard to ruin my reputation. Too bad for him, because I’m the most popular guy in North Korea.

Literally SO excited for my next military parade – even one parade has more people than at Angry Orange’s inauguration. I’ll bet he wants to start having tanks in DC too – such a wannabe.

It’s going to take a lot more than Twitter and lame insults at rallies to make Kim Jong-un lose the status of Queen Bee – I mean, supreme leader.

Until America detonates,
Lil Kim

How to Survive the Holiday Season with Your Trump-Supporting Relatives

Be sure to stock up on lots of useful thoughts and prayers before your trip. Pass these out in lieu of gifts.

Rejoice in the fact that your lack of health care options means you’ll have to attend far fewer of these events in the future.

Maybe Creepy Dave from high school still sells weed? Try tearing your old bedroom apart looking for Creepy Dave’s pager number.

Gently remind everyone that libtarded people can still lead rich and full lives.

Try and focus on the positives so you can enjoy these last few moments with your family before the homosexuals force Jesus to open the seventh seal of the apocalypse, or whatever the fuck Uncle Terry is ranting about.

Remember, guns help keep people safe. So make sure everyone arrives at this year’s drunken screamfest heavily armed. You know, for safety.

Replace all of your carefully nuanced arguments with a series of high pitched screeches. I mean, why the fuck not at this point.

Seriously, really take a minute to enjoy Uncle Terry. He won’t be around forever, you know. Christ, what do you think happened there?

Rest assured that no matter what far-flung, two-bit town you hail from, it’s surely been flooded with cheap opiates by now.

After a whole year of reading hateful, right-wing abuse from anonymous trolls online, you almost forget how magical it feels to get hateful, right-wing abuse screamed at you in person.

Maybe Aunt Alice would value Obamacare more if she were to have an accident. It’s not like she’s rich is all I’m saying.

Take heart, your racist grandmother won’t live forever. In fact, she’ll likely die soon. We’ll all likely die soon.

Top 10 Tweets About Trump’s Water Bottle Fiasco

 

On Wednesday, Donald Trump was in the middle of a press conference at the White House when he got a bit thirsty and grabbed for some water. But of course, because we’re dealing with a man-child, it became more of a spectacle – similar to what he dubbed a “catastrophe” when Marco Rubio reached for a drink during a speech last year. As it’s 2017, Twitter was its reliable self when it came to Trump’s water bottle skills.

https://twitter.com/DALMATiAN/status/931564315286622208

https://twitter.com/tweetpocrisy/status/931443701368393728

And last but not least, Marco Rubio had some tips for his former opponent: