Next up: KUSHNER. Let the Trump Impeachment Bingo game begin!
Today the fussbudget has come up with a new name for me: “sick puppy”. What a totally lame insult. Donnie has been trying since day one to be my friend, but it’s never going to work. I’ve already declared him a social pariah – and also like a criminal and stuff, but whatever. He knows it too, which is why he’s trying so hard to ruin my reputation. Too bad for him, because I’m the most popular guy in North Korea.
Literally SO excited for my next military parade – even one parade has more people than at Angry Orange’s inauguration. I’ll bet he wants to start having tanks in DC too – such a wannabe.
It’s going to take a lot more than Twitter and lame insults at rallies to make Kim Jong-un lose the status of Queen Bee – I mean, supreme leader.
Until America detonates,
Be sure to stock up on lots of useful thoughts and prayers before your trip. Pass these out in lieu of gifts.
Rejoice in the fact that your lack of health care options means you’ll have to attend far fewer of these events in the future.
Maybe Creepy Dave from high school still sells weed? Try tearing your old bedroom apart looking for Creepy Dave’s pager number.
Gently remind everyone that libtarded people can still lead rich and full lives.
Try and focus on the positives so you can enjoy these last few moments with your family before the homosexuals force Jesus to open the seventh seal of the apocalypse, or whatever the fuck Uncle Terry is ranting about.
Remember, guns help keep people safe. So make sure everyone arrives at this year’s drunken screamfest heavily armed. You know, for safety.
Replace all of your carefully nuanced arguments with a series of high pitched screeches. I mean, why the fuck not at this point.
Seriously, really take a minute to enjoy Uncle Terry. He won’t be around forever, you know. Christ, what do you think happened there?
Rest assured that no matter what far-flung, two-bit town you hail from, it’s surely been flooded with cheap opiates by now.
After a whole year of reading hateful, right-wing abuse from anonymous trolls online, you almost forget how magical it feels to get hateful, right-wing abuse screamed at you in person.
Maybe Aunt Alice would value Obamacare more if she were to have an accident. It’s not like she’s rich is all I’m saying.
Take heart, your racist grandmother won’t live forever. In fact, she’ll likely die soon. We’ll all likely die soon.
On Wednesday, Donald Trump was in the middle of a press conference at the White House when he got a bit thirsty and grabbed for some water. But of course, because we’re dealing with a man-child, it became more of a spectacle – similar to what he dubbed a “catastrophe” when Marco Rubio reached for a drink during a speech last year. As it’s 2017, Twitter was its reliable self when it came to Trump’s water bottle skills.
I can't stop watching this video of Donald Trump getting cottonmouth and then drinking water like he has doll arms.
— Chelle (@SeaChelles88) November 17, 2017
There are a lot of things that you can criticize Donald Trump for, but drinking water during a press conference…
is still one of them because I'm a petty bitch.
— David de la Fuente (@dpdelafuente) November 15, 2017
Who knew that Donald Trump drinking water would be the literal opposite of porn?
— Julia Reiss (@thereisspiece) November 16, 2017
Donald Trump drinking water is literally the most normal shit he’s done so next
— 𝔐𝔞𝔯𝔦𝔩𝔶𝔫 𝔐𝔞𝔫𝔰𝔬𝔫’𝔰 𝔓𝔬𝔱𝔞𝔱𝔬🐍 (@yayduh) November 16, 2017
Donald Trump drinking water during a speech is at least a reminder that he's a human being.
— Dennis DiClaudio (@dennisdiclaudio) November 15, 2017
— John Arlet (@jarlet007) November 17, 2017
Remember when Donald Trump mocked Marco Rubio for drinking water during a speech? Well, guess who did the same thing today? The orange lunatic himself. Hypocrite. pic.twitter.com/JKqiiYfoPM
— Janet Shan (@hinterlandg) November 15, 2017
And last but not least, Marco Rubio had some tips for his former opponent:
Similar,but needs work on his form.Has to be done in one single motion & eyes should never leave the camera. But not bad for his 1st time https://t.co/s49JtyRo3S
— Marco Rubio (@marcorubio) November 15, 2017
An A+ effort for the Map of the World by Donald Trump. Trump’s tiny hands know their way around an easel. We can only imagine what Bob Ross would have to say.