8 Halloween Costumes for the Swampiest Creatures in Washington D.C.

8. Betsy DeVos – Professor Umbridge

Betsy DeVos Halloween

DeVos doesn’t even need to try for Halloween. We all know this pink-loving, children-hating, Secretary of Education has been dying to dress up as Professor Umbridge for, like, her entire life.

7. Ivanka Trump – Dad’s New Girlfriend

Ivanka Trump Halloween

Everybody wants to talk about how in peril Melania and Donald are, and Ivanka has a great (the greatest!) sense of humor. This Halloween, she’ll go as none other than Dad’s New Girlfriend. After all, the President would date his daughter if he could.

6. Jared Kushner – Pinocchio

Jared Kushner Halloween

“No, sire, I did not collude with the Russians,” says Jared. Shut up Jared, your nose just grew about five inches.

5. John Kelly – John Kelly

John Kelly Halloween

John Kelly doesn’t need a Halloween costume. He is scary enough. Whatever you do, don’t cross him–or challenge him, as advised by Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

4. Mike Pence – Lucius Malfoy

Mike Pence Halloween

The quiet and plotting right-hand man of He Who Must Not Be Named, Mike Pence is undoubtedly Lucius Malfoy for Halloween. He is for sure one of the evilest members of the Trump administration and we hope Mueller throws his a** in Azkaban where it belongs.

3. Sarah Huckabee Sanders – Uncle Fester from Addams Family

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Halloween

LOLZ. Nothing else.

2. Chris Christie – Violet Beauregarde

Chris Christie Halloween

We all know Trumpkins is an Oompa Loompa for Halloween. His costume doesn’t even need to be discussed. But his number one lackey, Chris Christie, is most certainly Violet Beauregarde. Noisy, nasty, and a big ole’ fat blueberry. This Halloween costume wins the class contest.

1. Melania Trump – Eva Braun

Melania Trump Halloween

Poor Melania. She is the quiet, misunderstood, and tragically misplaced female arm-candy to the most dangerous man in the world. She was always going to be Eva Braun for Halloween.

Advertisements

ICYMI: Betsy DeVos is the Muggle Version of Professor Umbridge

In the Muggle World, We Have Betsy DeVos

When an unqualified usurper comes to power over school children, we can’t help but make the obvious connection: Betsy DeVos is the muggle version of Dolores Umbridge.  Here are a few instances it’s hard to tell the difference between the US Secretary of Education and corrupt headmaster Dolores Umbridge.

Her Preference for Pink

Umbridge’s signature look is trending in the White House. The only difference here, Umbridge knows where to find the pencils.

Receives Security Detail Because of Her Unpopular Ideas

DeVos receives heavy security detail from the US federal marshals for a bill totaling over $8 million dollars in 8 months. Betsy is the only cabinet member getting such high-security detail. A rare photo of her security guards has surfaced thanks to White House leaks:

When Impressing the Dark Lord Comes Above the Wellness of School Children

Dolores: Oh, children are being petrified and using the Unforgivable Curses? Voldemort doesn’t seem concerned.

Betsy: Oh, children are being sexually assaulted and not getting justice? Trump doesn’t seem concerned.

No Prior Experience in the Education Field

It’s not her extensive knowledge of pedagogy and curriculum building that landed DeVos the job. Just ask Umbridge, it’s all about powerful connections.

Dramatic Changes to the Previous Administration’s Class Rules

In recent news, DeVos is challenging Obama-era Title IX concerning how schools handle sexual misconduct. Next, she’ll start nailing the rules over the walls of the Senate.

Safety of Students Comes Last

Devos said, “Any school that refuses to take seriously a student who reports sexual misconduct is one that discriminates. And any school that uses a system biased toward finding a student responsible for sexual misconduct also commits discrimination.”

If there is any light at the end of the tunnel, it’s that Professor Umbridge got her due. Let’s hope DeVos goes down in similar flames:

Xoxo Files: Meet Hope Hicks, the New White House ‘It’ Girl

Hey there Americans,

Gossip girl, here. It’s summertime in the swamp and life is certainly heating up for our 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue residents. As you may have heard, Hope Hicks was just hired as the new White House communications director.

Let’s give credit where it’s due and marvel at the fact that a 28-year-old woman now has the top PR job in the country. Applaud. Applaud. This is goals, America; albeit not under this specific administration, but we can still admire her sly drive to success.

Rumor has it the newest train monkey for the Nazi sympathizer did not obtain her position by past political experience, or even merit for that matter. The hiring of Hope Hicks as the new White House Communications Director leaves many people wondering, myself included, “But, why? How?”

Started From The Top

Like all of our favorite bad girls, Hope Hicks grew up in Greenwich, Connecticut and graduated with an English degree from Southern Methodist University. In her teen years, she modeled for Ralph Lauren and appeared on the cover of Cecily von Ziegesar’s Gossip Girl spin off novels, The It Girl. 

The IT girl, indeed. Hope Hicks appeared on Forbes’s 30 Under 30 when she took the role of Press Secretary in Donald Trump’s presidential campaign.

And just like any It Girl from the world of Gossip Girl, Hicks obtained her position next to Donald Trump through her devilishly good looks and moneyed connections. During the beginning of her career in public relations, Ivanka Trump’s fashion company was amongst her clientele. From there, Hicks caught the eye of the future president. She then worked PR for Trump’s real estate company starting in October and has remained a rock by his side ever since. Working as Trump’s press secretary during his campaign was her first exposure to the political world, something both Hicks and Trump have in common.

Hope Hicks keeps a low-profile, but is known to be one of the longest allies by Trump’s side since his political reign began. She is one of the only true insiders of the Trump family. But we’ve seen what Donald can do to his allies. Hicks will be the fourth WH Communications Director since Trump took office in January. Fourth times the charm, is that how it goes?

It is no surprised that someone with little political experience was chosen to a high-ranking role in the White House. But is it correct to claim the Don is “draining the swamp” or is he merely “swapping swamps?”

Though we can admire this real life Blair Waldorf for her blind ambition, the outcome of Hope Hicks’s political career hangs in the air.

You know you love me,

Xoxo.

7 Fictional Alter Egos for Jared Kushner

Jared Kushner is seen more than heard–a silent, emaciated figure next to the Trump. He is a true international man of mystery. So naturally, our imagination has run wild with speculation at what the real Jared is like.

7. Young Draco Malfoy

Like Draco, Jared Kushner thrives on fatherly approval.

6. Gordon Gecko

#JKush loves the green too.

5. Ramsey Bolton

Bolton is Kushner’s spirit animal. Don’t deny it.

See also: Patrick Bateman.

4. Sheldon Parson

The voice. The mannerisms.

3. Richie Rich

Of course, Kush would never touch cash.

2. Ralph Wiggum

JKush is all about that tech life.

1. Patrick Bateman

Kushner is Patrick Bateman.

See also: Ramsey Bolton.

Jeff Sessions and the DOJ Wants to Crackdown On Cannabis Laws

Marijuana is Violent! Said No One Ever

Attorney General Jeff Sessions is leading a task force designed to crackdown on federal cannabis restrictions and punishments. Criminal justice advocates fear the Task Force on Crime Reduction and Public Safety will release a report that links violent crimes and cannabis within the week. Sessions believes harder policies on drugs will reduce drug abuse and violent behavior. In his mind, weed is that violent drug.

State’s Rights Under Threat

As of today, weed is still illegal under federal law. However, 8 states and Washington D.C. have legalized recreational use while 21 states allow medical use. With Sessions’ new task force, the federal government is overreaching on state’s rights.

This aggressive crackdown on the least aggressive group of people, aka marijuana smokers, is not a divisive party issue. In fact, Republicans and Democrats alike are seeing Session’s task force as backwards and inhumane. Republican Senator Rand Paul told The Hill, “I will oppose anybody from the administration or otherwise that wants to interfere with state policies.”

Last month a legislation known as The Compassionate Access, Research Expansion and Respect States (CARERS) Act was introduced. This act would amend federal law to allow states to set their own medical marijuana policies. And check out the heads pushing this act: Senators Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.), Cory Booker (D-N.J.), Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska), Al Franken (D-Minn.), Mike Lee (R-Utah), and Rand Paul (R-Ky).

Likewise, a bipartisan group of lawmakers launched the Congressional Cannabis Caucus including Dana Rohrabacher (R-Ca.), Don Young (R-Alaska), Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.), and Jared Polis (D-Co.). When the cannabis committee is headed by a bunch of guys that look like this, you know Sessions has a lot of catching up to do.

Trump Drama

As we all recall during his campaign, President Trump promised not to touch state’s rights on marijuana. It’s painfully clear we cannot hold the President to his word. However, this has fueled more issues between Sessions and the President this past week, along with many other issues.

Roger Stone, ally of Trump, told the New York Times that the President initially bonded with Sessions because he was a tough guy. Now the President isn’t seeing this tough guy on his side. Trump wants Sessions’ aggressive policies when it benefits his needs, not make him look bad. Stone says, “There’s a lack of aggressiveness with Sessions, unless it involved chasing people for smoking pot.” The murky waters between the Attorney General and the President will only muddle issues in Capitol Hill. An outcome in which we are all terrified of and eager to see fail.

The outcome of Sessions’ task force review jeopardizes a multi-billion dollar industry. This could potentially be very destructive to the American economy. The legalization of cannabis generates massive amounts of revenue for the legalized states. However, the crackdown could destroy that as well as environmental and international policies. Since not much has yet been released, the industry, criminal justice advocates, and your high neighbor continue to wait around nervously for the dinosaurs to finish “reviewing” the law.

8 Game of Thrones Villains For Donald Trump’s Understaffed Cabinet

It’s no secret that the Trump Administration is seriously understaffed. So for the good of the country, we respectfully propose some of the swampiest candidates for his cabinet that the Seven Kingdoms has to offer. And fear not, they’re only taking jobs that no American actually wants to do. #MAGA

8. Lady Lysa Arryn — Deputy Secretary of Education

Mother knows breast, we mean, uh, best. Lady Arryn has significant experience in government and education. Not only has she ruled the Vale of Arryn on behalf of her young son, Robin, but is also a long-time proponent of home-schooling with incredible results. Lady Arryn’s combination of experience as head of state, and her intuition as a single mother makes her a top choice for this cabinet role.

Potential mentor: Betsy DeVos

7. Melisandre — Assistant Secretary of Nuclear Energy

Melisandre is not a traditional candidate but she has significant work experience as a High Priestess for the Lord of Light that would bring a much-needed fresh perspective to this role. Former colleague Stannis Baratheon has noted that Melisandre can be “intense,” but we believe that a little bit of passion can go a long way. While Melisandre has not worked directly in the field of nuclear power, her work with the Lord of Light will likely make it a smooth transition from fire to atomic energy.

Potential mentor: Mike Flynn

6. The High Sparrow — Director of Community Relations

First and foremost, the High Sparrow is a grassroots community organizer. His leadership role in the “Sparrows” movement against the ruling class shows that he is a champion of the Joe Plumbers of the world. In addition to sticking to his principles, the High Sparrow is an effective speaker and administrator, having successfully overseen an organization of thousands on a shoestring budget.

Potential mentor: George H. Bush

5. Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish — White House Press Secretary

We all know that Sean Spicer’s days are numbered, so let’s get the best guy teed up and ready. Littlefinger–whose reputation precedes him–will keep that unruly Fake News Media in check with all of the dirt he already has on everyone. He is an effective diplomat and a smooth operator who can talk circles around any reporter, especially the liberal ones.

Potential mentor: Doesn’t need one.

4. Ramsey Bolton — Assistant Secretary of Military Affairs

It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that Ramsey has a special touch when it comes to military affairs. While his methods are sometimes unconventional, nobody would argue that they are not effective. He has the natural attributes of a leader but isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, either. Ramsey is a shoo-in for this role and we wish him best of luck in securing a position with this cabinet.

Potential mentor: Paul Ryan

3. Cersei Lannister — Chief Financial Officer

Well, Cersei might not have any relevant experience for this role, but she is Tywin Lannister’s daughter. If nothing else, she can hold Daddy’s chair while he is in the other room.

Potential mentor: Ivanka Trump

2. Tywin Lannister — Secretary of State

For all of Rex Tillerson’s experience and connections, he is an oil man at heart and has little patience for state affairs. Mr. Tillerson will likely tap childhood friend Tywin Lannister to fill this important cabinet role after the midterm elections.

Potential mentor: Rex Tillerson

1. The Night King (White Walker) — Ambassador to Canada

Who better than someone from the Far North? And with his boyish good looks, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau can get along with just about anybody, even this guy.

Potential mentor: Undecided