Speaker Paul Ryan’s Spine Found Near Tijuana, Mexico

[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]Rosarito, Mexico — Paul Ryan’s spine appears to have been found near Rosarito Beach, about 18 miles south of Tijuana, in the popular resort town of Rosarito. Mr. Ryan’s spine was found by a group of American college students vacationing in the area.  According to one student, who preferred to remain unnamed,  Mr. Ryan’s spine was in bad shape–soft and reeking of cheap tequila.  She described the spine as “putrid” and “discoloured,” and said that she “felt bad for the horrible state of Mr. Ryan’s spine but really couldn’t stand the smell.”

The Speaker of the House, along with much of the GOP leadership, has struggled to move forward with key items on the Republican agenda, including tax reform and health care. Despite having a majority in both the House and the Senate, the Republican agenda has been at a standstill, in large part due to the deluge of crises coming out of the White House and the public tension between the legislative and executive branches of government.

According to US Customs officials, Paul Ryan’s spine will be repatriated to the U.S. once it has bypassed 60 days of quarantine at the U.S.-Mexican border. An unnamed border agent disclosed that Mr. Ryan’s spine has been begging to “not be taken back to the swamp, anything but the swamp.”


Dothraki-Themed Dating App Overtakes Tinder In Popularity

New York, NY — A Dothraki-themed dating app created by two New York-based entrepreneurs, Saanvi Patel and Elizabeth Gravely, has overtaken Tinder as the most popular mobile dating interface amongst the coveted millennial market.

The Dothraki dating app was inspired by the nomadic, horse-riding warriors from the highly-lauded HBO series Game of Thrones. Invoking a deep nostalgia for an era of unambiguous gender norms, the Dothraki app promises its mostly heterosexual female user-base “real, unfiltered men.”

Additionally, to the co-founders’ happy surprise, the dating app has also gained a large user-base amongst a subset of the male LGBT community knows as “bears and cubs,” where the user, often a “cub,” will be seeking a “Dothraki bear.”

Initially, Patel, Gravely, and their angel investors had concerns that the app would struggle to scale if interest did not go beyond the Game of Thrones fan base; however, such concerns quickly subsided when over 1 million users downloaded the Dothraki dating app in its first week.

During a live Facebook chat, Patel had this to say on the app’s meteoric rise: “In retrospect, it’s not surprising that the app has been such a big hit. In this uncertain sociopolitical climate, a lot us are yearning for simpler times, for our own Khal Drogo to take care of things. We want to unleash our primal instincts and tune out of the noise. Less talking, you know, more of… the other stuff.”

The Dothraki app is $14.99/month and available on iOS and Android.

Kim Jong-un to De-Escalate Nuclear Warheads for KFC in Pyongyang

[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]Pyongyang, DPRK — North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has agreed to a temporary disarmament of the miniature nuclear warhead previously identified by U.S. military satellites in exchange for the opening of a KFC (NYSE: YUM) outlet, a popular American fast-food chain founded by Colonel Sanders.

Through a series of extraordinary negotiations between Pyongyang and the U.N. Security Council, Kim will reportedly allow for an unprecedented inspection and de-armament of North Korea’s nuclear arsenal, including the highly dangerous miniature warhead, after the construction of a three-story KFC in downtown Pyongyang is complete. Kim has reportedly requested KFC’s complete menu, including discontinued items, in addition to special “Korean” style items to suit the local palate.

According to unnamed sources close to the negotiating parties, Kim Jong-un has had an appetite for KFC’s Original Recipe chicken ever since he was a young boy. It is rumoured that his father Kim Jong-il introduced his second child to the fast food chain during a special screening of the Star Wars films, a perennial favorite in the Kim family.

Despite Kim’s frequent admonitions of U.S. “imperialist influences“, Kim has privately lamented the lack of quick access to the fast-food chain’s offerings. He was reportedly deeply unhappy with the buckets of KFC chicken flown in from South Korea, the closest neighbouring state with locations, claiming that the fried chicken was soggy and not meant to be consumed hours later.

Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, has tweeted about this global victory, calling it “the best deal I’ve mad [sic] … so far!! #MAGA”

Little Boy Lost: Excerpt from the Diary of Eric Trump

[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]Dearest Diary,

Father has become cross with me again. Yesterday evening, I caught a glimpse of his great shadow walking towards the West Wing. Desiring but a moment alone with him, I silently rushed towards his broad shoulders, for I did not dare to disturb the deep thoughts brewing in his head. Perhaps I was too quiet — a flaw that has plagued me — because Father did not hear me until I stood right behind him, so close I could see the hairs on his masculine neck.

Father, I whispered. At that moment, he screamed in terror. Before I knew what was happening, six Secret Service agents had pinned me to the ground and applied the taser. As the jolts of electricity surged through my body, I could feel Father’s disappointment in his third-born.  

Stupid Eric! Why do I always make a fool of myself in front of Father? This would never happen to Donald, Jr.

I must do better.

Another setback: Ivanka says she does not want to be Cersei to my Jaime for Halloween festivities this year. Or any other year.

EFT 8/6/17