A Roy Moore Love Letter Inspired by Nabokov’s Lolita

Lolita, Leigh, Debbie, Wendy, Gloria, Beverly, Tina, Gena, Becky, Lolita. Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. She was Debbie, plain Debbie, in the morning, at the courthouse, standing four feet ten with her momma. She was Gloria, in a pretty summer dress. She was Wendy at the Gadsden Mall in 1977. She was Beverly at her daddy’s house. Then, in my arms she was Gena, Tina, Becky, and then always, always Lolita, Lolita, at the schoolhouse. Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, an initial girl-child.

Lolita, to a sweeter, more beautiful girl I could not say Merry Christmas.

Love,

Roy Moore, D.A.

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Driving Range Installed at White House to Curb Trump’s Tweeting

Washington, D.C. — In a desperate attempt to curb Trump’s tweeting, White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly has reportedly contracted a construction company to install a state-of-the-art driving range on the White House lawn.

Construction is set to take place while Mr. Trump is away on a 12-day Asia tour, which began yesterday. The driving range will boast 18 hitting stalls, enough for the President and many guests “on many sides.” A two-story club house is also in the works. It will be gold-crusted in the style of Trump Tower in New York City with large, swirling T’s emblazoned on the front.

It is well-known that Mr. Trump is an avid golfer, having played at least 33 rounds of golf since the inauguration on January 20, 2017. It is also clear that Mr. Trump loves using Twitter. He has earned himself questionable monikers such as the Tweeter-In-Chief and the Commander-in-Chirp. In his first 100 days, Mr. Trump sent out over 1000 tweets, despite promising on national television to restrain himself once he became president. Since announcing his candidacy back in 2015, Trump has sent nearly 10,000 tweets (including retweets). That makes for an average of 12 tweets per day.

An unnamed source reports that General Kelly is “praying” that this new “big boy toy” will keep both of Mr. Trump’s hands too occupied to send out 140 character messages. Trump’s tweeting about Crooked Hillary or Cryin’ Chuck or a number of his other Twitter enemies drops significantly once he leaves D.C. for one of his golf resorts.

It is rumored that General Kelly intends to keep Mr. Trump at the driving range as much as possible “for the sake of humanity’s survival.”

Leaked Trump Memo Reveals Continued Conspiracy Theory Investigations

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the President’s order to uncover the JFK Assassination files, Trump is now demanding the investigation of three more conspiracy theories. Namely, Area 51, the Pyramids of Giza, and Ganghis Kahn’s ability to sleep with thousands of women and father hundreds offspring.

A memo from the Oval Office leaked this morning.

Conspiracy Theories Leaked

Another unnamed source reveals that the White House has created teams to investigate each conspiracy theory.

“He’s recruited the top minds and scientists from Russia, and the most knowledgeable conspiracy theorists from the Midwest,” the WH source said. “Comey will not be invited.”

Each file being compiled for the mysterious cases are titled “Trump’d,” a term coined by the Commander in Chief himself.

“I can solve every mystery. I’m smart. I went to an Ivy League School. I’ve read books. Once a mystery is solved, I’ll say it’s been Trump’d!”

Trump Sacrifices Second Son Eric to Better Understand War Widow Pain

NEW YORK, NY — Donald Trump has sacrificed his second son, Eric Trump, in an effort to better understand the “war widow pain” everywhere. According to an unnamed source, Mr. Trump had been deeply distraught in the past week by the widespread criticism of his handling of a phone call to the widow of a U.S. soldier. He yearned to show America his “tremendous ability” to “empitize” [sic].

To turn the public eye away from his use of insensitive language with the war widow, mispronouncing the deceased’s name, and a bitter feud with Congresswoman Frederica Wilson, Mr. Trump made a huge sacrifice by killing his second son Eric in a midnight ritual at Trump Tower. It is still unclear how Eric was sacrificed. However, knowing Eric’s penchant for sweets and a fatal allergy to peanut butter, it is plausible that a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup did him in.

Mr. Trump allegedly had a hard time choosing the child who had to be sacrificed. He eventually settled on Eric through a process of elimination. According to the same unnamed source, Don, Jr., his first-born, is needed to run Trump enterprises. Ivanka is too much of a “hot piece” to knock off. And Barron is the only person in the White House who could turn on a computer.

At the end of the sacrifice, Mr. Trump reportedly muttered that he had “totally forgotten” about Tiffany.

The White House is expected to release a statement on Mr. Trump’s newfound ability to relate to the pain of a war widow losing a family member.

In light of the recent tragedy, Mr. Trump is on bereavement leave at his golf resort in New Jersey until he starts feeling better.

Trump Offers Italian Prime Minister Ketchup for Pasta at WH Dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to unnamed sources, Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, reportedly offered a large bottle of Heinz ketchup to Italian Prime Minister Paolo Gentiloni during the pasta entree at a dinner hosted by the White House.

PM Gentiloni mistook the gesture as a joke and told the President of the United States he was a funny man. However, Mr. Trump reportedly emptied the bottled of ketchup onto his own penne a la vodka and said “more for me” to the Italian Prime Minister. The President of the United States then told PM Gentiloni that he often enjoyed a steaming bowl of ketchup spaghetti with American butter, a “10/10 meal” in his book.

Mr. Trump is publicly known to have his steaks well-done and doused with ketchup. Not surprisingly, he appears to have the same fondness for that red sauce on other things. A WH kitchen worker, who has requested anonymity, reveals that since Mr. Trump took office, ketchup consumption at the White House has skyrocketed. In fact, a side of ketchup is served with every meal and snack brought to the President. Additional bottles of ketchup are placed in a special cabinet in the Oval Office. One senior staffer reportedly witnessed Mr. Trump dipping a bagel into a bowl of ketchup while wandering the West Wing in his bathrobe.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife, Mrs. Karen Pence were also present. VP Pence appeared to be silently praying during the pasta ordeal, while Mrs. Pence looked on.

Trump to Build McDonald’s Outlet Inside the White House After West Wing Renovations

Washington, D.C. — According to an unnamed source at the White House, President Donald J. Trump has asked for the construction of a McDonald’s outlet inside the West Wing. It appears that Mr. Trump has been dissatisfied with the Secret Service’s delivery time from the McDonald’s closest to the White House — approximately a five-minute walk. Instead, according to the same unnamed source, Mr. Trump wants to see the Golden Arches from the Oval Office and be close enough to “smell the fries.”

It is no secret that the President is fond of fast food. During the campaign, Mr. Trump was photographed with buckets of fried chicken on his private jet, a taco bowl from the grill in Trump Tower, and an obscene amount of pizza. Mr. Trump is also known for having his steaks charred and served with an ungodly amount of ketchup.

But above all, Mr. Trump seems to favor McDonald’s. He has had a long and healthy relationship with the McDonald’s Corporation (NYSE: MCD), even appearing in a commercial in 2002 with Grimace.

It is rumored that White House Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, will be operating the grill during the lunch hour rush.