Rocket Man Files: Excerpts from the Diary of Kim Jong-un

Dear Diary,

Today the fussbudget has come up with a new name for me: “sick puppy”. What a totally lame insult. Donnie has been trying since day one to be my friend, but it’s never going to work. I’ve already declared him a social pariah – and also like a criminal and stuff, but whatever. He knows it too, which is why he’s trying so hard to ruin my reputation. Too bad for him, because I’m the most popular guy in North Korea.

Literally SO excited for my next military parade – even one parade has more people than at Angry Orange’s inauguration. I’ll bet he wants to start having tanks in DC too – such a wannabe.

It’s going to take a lot more than Twitter and lame insults at rallies to make Kim Jong-un lose the status of Queen Bee – I mean, supreme leader.

Until America detonates,
Lil Kim

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White House to Honor Hugh Hefner in Rose Garden Tribute

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has announced plans to trim the vegetation of the White House Rose Garden in the shapes of the infamous Playboy bunny icon in memory of the late Hugh Hefner. The Playboy legend and celebrated pussy grabber passed away on September 27th at 91 years young due to a final heartbreak. Addressing the media, the president voiced his desire to pay tribute to his old colleague.

“Hugh was a winner. Greatly respected by women, nobody treated women better than Hef. Maybe me,” President Trump stated in his remarks to the press during yesterday’s announcement, “We had many adventures together, many great adventures.”

Vice President Mike Pence attended the press conference but seemed reluctant to provide any statements regarding the hedge-trimming. The internet went ablaze when images surfaced of Pence noticeably clutching rosary beads during the president’s Q&A.

The president received praise by some outlets for the curious gesture. At one point during his speech, President Trump discussed the benefit of celebrating American tradition and how it aligns with the nation’s history:

“Marilyn Monroe, in a way, helped launched Hugh’s career–I’ve heard many people don’t know that–and she was great friends with Kennedy during his presidency. That I can tell you.”

Some outlets attending the press conference questioned the president on his choice of setting and concerns during times of crisis. However, he dismissed their claims of poor judgment and later Tweeted, “Fake News always raining on my parade. Or memorial in this case.”

Americans are currently waiting on word from the White House on whether or not First Lady Melania Trump will be attending the Hugh Hefner – Rose Garden commemoration ceremony this Sunday. She is expected to be fashionably late.

Trump Enacts Character Counts Week, Mistakes It For National Twitter Holiday

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald J. Trump used his presidential power to proclaim October 15 through October 21 as National Character Counts Week, an admirable movement towards the improvement of the nation’s youth. This week brings awareness to the building of characters within the good-hearted American families. Nationalizing American children must begin as soon as possible.

But come 2 am October 18, Trump woke his cabinet with a fright. Evidently, Twitter has blatantly ignored his proclamation and has yet to waive the character count number on tweets.

Recently, Twitter (NYSE: TWTR) began running trials for a select group of people allowing them access to 280 characters as opposed to the limited 140. Trump, upon hearing the news, assumed he–as one of their highest-ranking patrons–would be amongst the group. However, he is not. It is rumored this event inspired him to proclaim the National Character Counts Week.

“The president is fed up with the continuous ‘dot dot dots’ interrupting his tweets,” said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders at the press conference earlier this morning. “The majority of President Trump’s supporters receive vital news and updates that come from the president himself. They trust and rely on his tweets only.”

Donald Trump, known for his “straight talk,” is dumbfounded his words were mixed up. Another case of the fake news blues. But now, Trump’s attacks on Twitter, his sole social media platform, could spell disaster for the White House. Trump spoke out: “How else will news get to the people? We can’t trust any news outlet, and now we can’t trust Twitter? Sad!”

Tensions have risen in the White House and Trump continues to demand Twitter recognize his new national holiday, the most important holiday in American History.

FOX Picks Up Season 2 of Trump White House Reality Show from Failing NY Times

NEW YORK, NY — In a landmark move, FOX has picked up season 2 of the Trump White House Reality Show after numerous complaints from family members and White House aides surfaced that tv production didn’t mirror on-set actions.

“They’ve twisted everything around to fit their fake news agenda,” says Sarah Huckabee Sanders, spokesperson for the Trump Family.

Reports that segment producer Maggie Haberman has it in for Trump have been running rampant within the White House, but Trump can’t seem to let Haberman go.

“The President has huge respect for Maggie,” says Sanders. “They’ve developed a rapport in the Oval Office despite her negative comments.”

Scenes from the season included the firing of James Comey and other members of the administration–as well as fan-favorite Sean Spicer, short-lived Anthony Scaramucci, and the most polarizing figure of the show, Steve Bannon. Bannon promised a thrilling spin-off on his exit, but news of a production timeline hasn’t surfaced.

Bannon’s publicist declined to comment on when we might see the spin-off, but did manage to let slip that certain members of the Trump family would be “going down.”

FOX & Friends princess Ainsley Earhardt will serve as executive producer for season 2.

Exclusive Preview into Trump’s New American History Book

Washington, D.C. – An anonymous source has confirmed he will ghostwrite Donald J. Trump’s new book called, The Many Sides and Fine People in American History. After much confusion these past few weeks, Trump felt it necessary to further explain his words, words he believes the media did not report correctly. Back in August, the President said, “You don’t make statements that direct unless you know the facts. It takes a little while to get the facts.” The full transcript is available here and the edited version will be included in the new book, to avoid further confusion.

Still frustrated that he is the only one in the world to know the facts, Trump has taken it upon himself to dictate this book. The Many Sides and Fine People in American History will be the only history book taught to the American children starting at age 6.  It is the president’s hope that this book will destroy fake news once and for all.

His ghost writer has given us an exclusive preview of the text.

Fact #1

I, Donald J. Trump, rank 2nd as the most-presidential president in all of American history. After, Abraham Lincoln of course. I don’t even remember the names of the other 10 guys. That’s how un-presidential they were.

Fact #2

The best quotation from all the great leaders of the world did not come from Winston Churchill or Nelson Mandela as fake news would claim. In fact, the most influential and motivating quote came from Adolf Hitler: “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”

Fact #3

The Cold War began in 1947 and started America and Russia’s beautiful but complicated friendship. Look, Russia gave the US Alaska even before the Cold War, and now America has oil. Very beneficial friendship with Russia. Bigly.

Fact #4

The American “slaves” were paid $1.50 to fight for the Confederacy and given the choice to join the North or the South. Back then, $1.50 was a lot of money. Just like 1/5th is a big number to compromise with.

Fact #5

During the Charlottesville free speech rally on August 12, 2017, the alt-left charged the alt-right with clubs swinging about violently. The alt-right victims were unable to protect themselves because they holding the Swastika flags and tiki-torches in their hands.

Hardback available Summer 2018.

Trump Taps Son Barron to Fill Advisor Role After White House Exodus

Bedminster Township, NJ — Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, has reportedly made a controversial staffing decision in appointing his youngest son, Barron Trump, as White House  Cyber Security Advisor.

Speaking from Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster during another “working vacation,” Mr. Trump, when pressed about Barron’s qualifications, reminded the press corps of his statements during the first presidential debate back in 2016 about Barron’s lifetime of experience with technology: “I have a son. He’s 10 years old. He has computers. He is so good with these computers, it’s unbelievable. The security aspect of cyber is very very tough.”

Barron, now 11 years old, is Mr. Trump’s fifth child, though some media outlets have erroneously  reported him as the fourth child, as a result of omitting the oft-forgotten Tiffany Trump. He is the only child of Mr. Trump’s third wife and First Lady, Melania Trump nee Melanija Knavs. After finishing up the fifth grade at the prestigious Columbia Grammar and Preparatory School in Manhattan, Barron has finally moved to the White House this past June.

It is possible that the move from New York, Barron’s longtime home, to D.C., is an indication of Barron’s upcoming role in this administration.

Since Mr. Trump’s inauguration on January 20, 2017, it is no secret that this administration has struggled to retain senior level advisors. Most recently, Steve Bannon, often called the “architect” of Mr. Trump’s policy, resigned or was fired on August 18. Prior to that, the administration lost Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, Press Secretary Sean Spicer and National Security advisor Michael Flynn. There was also Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci‘s short-lived role as White House Communications Director.

In contrast to those fair-weather advisors, Mr. Trump’s immediate family has remained steadfast amidst this mass exodus and chaos of the past months. Daughter Ivanka Trump continues to shadow her father at high-profile events such as the G-20 and son-in-law Jared Kushner is likely to expand his reach as Senior Advisor. First Lady Melania has also appeared at key moments, often with healing words that hearken back to former First Lady Michelle Obama.

While the White House has not yet confirmed Barron’s role, it is clear that Mr. Trump has tremendous confidence in his youngest son’s ability and most importantly, his loyalty.