Well the weather outside is frightful, but these GOP Tinder profiles are delightful, if you’re into that. For your viewing pleasure, we’ve scoured the Tinder-verse for the creamiest conservative baes to keep you warm this winter season. #MAGA
9. Mike Pence
8. Tiffany Trump
7. Steve Bannon
6. Melania Trump
4. Kellyanne Conway
3. Sarah Huckabee Sanders
2. Rex W. Tillerson
1. Roy Moore
Low class pets? These doggos are about to show Donald Trump what low class really means.
13. “Is this how your hair looks in the morning, too?”
12. “Need to borrow my muzzle?”
11. “Dear Melania….”
10. “Who knew health care could be so hard?”
9. “When Ivanka starts talking about women’s rights.”
8. “Well, I think the press makes me more uncivil than I am. You know – people don’t understand – I went to an Ivy League college. I was a nice student. I did very well. I’m a very intelligent person.”
7. “It’s like looking in the mirror — right, Mr. President?”
6. “Daddy can you tuck me into bed, please? Love, Eric.”
5. “I even won the popular vote.”
4. “When you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.”
3. “With Love, From Russia.”
2. “Where x = y, my bed = America.”
1. “Who you calling a low class pet?”
Each assault rifle you care for now qualifies as a dependent.
Medical deduction available only to taxpayers whose Viagra expenses are more than 10% of their adjusted gross incomes.
Eggplant emoji. 🍆
Tax refunds for same-sex married couples now only offered in the form of cakes depicting Pence’s top 10 biblical punishments.
Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) funding now reallocated to a program that televises trust fund teens making fun of poor people’s cars. (Premiering next fall on Fox.)
We’re going to start hunting the elderly. This isn’t a tax thing, we’re just putting it in here so you know when the two-minute head-start begins. (Now. It begins now.)
Just a crudely drawn illustration of a penis scribbled in the margins of page 326. Still…now it’s the law.
Offshore bank accounts are now taxed at the rate of churches. Churches now receive the funding of public elementary schools. Public elementary schools will be replaced with a handgun and an old copy of Highlights magazine.
The entire National Park Service now belongs to me, Dan, the third-shift assistant copy editor!
Anyone with a pre-existing condition will automatically get launched into space, but not in a fun way. This is for tax reasons.
Drilling in Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is now mandatory for all taxpayers.
Teacher expense tax credit will be replaced with one broken pair of craft scissors and half a bag of pipe cleaners (per school district).
Hissss, click. [Mastication sounds.]
Tax breaks for low-income families entirely obscured by a chilling fingerpaint reproduction of Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
Something in Russian. It’s probably fine.
Be sure to stock up on lots of useful thoughts and prayers before your trip. Pass these out in lieu of gifts.
Rejoice in the fact that your lack of health care options means you’ll have to attend far fewer of these events in the future.
Maybe Creepy Dave from high school still sells weed? Try tearing your old bedroom apart looking for Creepy Dave’s pager number.
Gently remind everyone that libtarded people can still lead rich and full lives.
Try and focus on the positives so you can enjoy these last few moments with your family before the homosexuals force Jesus to open the seventh seal of the apocalypse, or whatever the fuck Uncle Terry is ranting about.
Remember, guns help keep people safe. So make sure everyone arrives at this year’s drunken screamfest heavily armed. You know, for safety.
Replace all of your carefully nuanced arguments with a series of high pitched screeches. I mean, why the fuck not at this point.
Seriously, really take a minute to enjoy Uncle Terry. He won’t be around forever, you know. Christ, what do you think happened there?
Rest assured that no matter what far-flung, two-bit town you hail from, it’s surely been flooded with cheap opiates by now.
After a whole year of reading hateful, right-wing abuse from anonymous trolls online, you almost forget how magical it feels to get hateful, right-wing abuse screamed at you in person.
Maybe Aunt Alice would value Obamacare more if she were to have an accident. It’s not like she’s rich is all I’m saying.
Take heart, your racist grandmother won’t live forever. In fact, she’ll likely die soon. We’ll all likely die soon.