Trump Offers Italian Prime Minister Ketchup for Pasta at WH Dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to unnamed sources, Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, reportedly offered a large bottle of Heinz ketchup to Italian Prime Minister Paolo Gentiloni during the pasta entree at a dinner hosted by the White House.

PM Gentiloni mistook the gesture as a joke and told the President of the United States he was a funny man. However, Mr. Trump reportedly emptied the bottled of ketchup onto his own penne a la vodka and said “more for me” to the Italian Prime Minister. The President of the United States then told PM Gentiloni that he often enjoyed a steaming bowl of ketchup spaghetti with American butter, a “10/10 meal” in his book.

Mr. Trump is publicly known to have his steaks well-done and doused with ketchup. Not surprisingly, he appears to have the same fondness for that red sauce on other things. A WH kitchen worker, who has requested anonymity, reveals that since Mr. Trump took office, ketchup consumption at the White House has skyrocketed. In fact, a side of ketchup is served with every meal and snack brought to the President. Additional bottles of ketchup are placed in a special cabinet in the Oval Office. One senior staffer reportedly witnessed Mr. Trump dipping a bagel into a bowl of ketchup while wandering the West Wing in his bathrobe.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife, Mrs. Karen Pence were also present. VP Pence appeared to be silently praying during the pasta ordeal, while Mrs. Pence looked on.

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Trump to Build McDonald’s Outlet Inside the White House After West Wing Renovations

Washington, D.C. — According to an unnamed source at the White House, President Donald J. Trump has asked for the construction of a McDonald’s outlet inside the West Wing. It appears that Mr. Trump has been dissatisfied with the Secret Service’s delivery time from the McDonald’s closest to the White House — approximately a five-minute walk. Instead, according to the same unnamed source, Mr. Trump wants to see the Golden Arches from the Oval Office and be close enough to “smell the fries.”

It is no secret that the President is fond of fast food. During the campaign, Mr. Trump was photographed with buckets of fried chicken on his private jet, a taco bowl from the grill in Trump Tower, and an obscene amount of pizza. Mr. Trump is also known for having his steaks charred and served with an ungodly amount of ketchup.

But above all, Mr. Trump seems to favor McDonald’s. He has had a long and healthy relationship with the McDonald’s Corporation (NYSE: MCD), even appearing in a commercial in 2002 with Grimace.

It is rumored that White House Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, will be operating the grill during the lunch hour rush.

Speaker Paul Ryan’s Spine Found Near Tijuana, Mexico

[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]Rosarito, Mexico — Paul Ryan’s spine appears to have been found near Rosarito Beach, about 18 miles south of Tijuana, in the popular resort town of Rosarito. Mr. Ryan’s spine was found by a group of American college students vacationing in the area.  According to one student, who preferred to remain unnamed,  Mr. Ryan’s spine was in bad shape–soft and reeking of cheap tequila.  She described the spine as “putrid” and “discoloured,” and said that she “felt bad for the horrible state of Mr. Ryan’s spine but really couldn’t stand the smell.”

The Speaker of the House, along with much of the GOP leadership, has struggled to move forward with key items on the Republican agenda, including tax reform and health care. Despite having a majority in both the House and the Senate, the Republican agenda has been at a standstill, in large part due to the deluge of crises coming out of the White House and the public tension between the legislative and executive branches of government.

According to US Customs officials, Paul Ryan’s spine will be repatriated to the U.S. once it has bypassed 60 days of quarantine at the U.S.-Mexican border. An unnamed border agent disclosed that Mr. Ryan’s spine has been begging to “not be taken back to the swamp, anything but the swamp.”

Trump Taps Son Barron to Fill Advisor Role After White House Exodus

Bedminster Township, NJ — Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, has reportedly made a controversial staffing decision in appointing his youngest son, Barron Trump, as White House  Cyber Security Advisor.

Speaking from Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster during another “working vacation,” Mr. Trump, when pressed about Barron’s qualifications, reminded the press corps of his statements during the first presidential debate back in 2016 about Barron’s lifetime of experience with technology: “I have a son. He’s 10 years old. He has computers. He is so good with these computers, it’s unbelievable. The security aspect of cyber is very very tough.”

Barron, now 11 years old, is Mr. Trump’s fifth child, though some media outlets have erroneously  reported him as the fourth child, as a result of omitting the oft-forgotten Tiffany Trump. He is the only child of Mr. Trump’s third wife and First Lady, Melania Trump nee Melanija Knavs. After finishing up the fifth grade at the prestigious Columbia Grammar and Preparatory School in Manhattan, Barron has finally moved to the White House this past June.

It is possible that the move from New York, Barron’s longtime home, to D.C., is an indication of Barron’s upcoming role in this administration.

Since Mr. Trump’s inauguration on January 20, 2017, it is no secret that this administration has struggled to retain senior level advisors. Most recently, Steve Bannon, often called the “architect” of Mr. Trump’s policy, resigned or was fired on August 18. Prior to that, the administration lost Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, Press Secretary Sean Spicer and National Security advisor Michael Flynn. There was also Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci‘s short-lived role as White House Communications Director.

In contrast to those fair-weather advisors, Mr. Trump’s immediate family has remained steadfast amidst this mass exodus and chaos of the past months. Daughter Ivanka Trump continues to shadow her father at high-profile events such as the G-20 and son-in-law Jared Kushner is likely to expand his reach as Senior Advisor. First Lady Melania has also appeared at key moments, often with healing words that hearken back to former First Lady Michelle Obama.

While the White House has not yet confirmed Barron’s role, it is clear that Mr. Trump has tremendous confidence in his youngest son’s ability and most importantly, his loyalty.

Dothraki-Themed Dating App Overtakes Tinder In Popularity

New York, NY — A Dothraki-themed dating app created by two New York-based entrepreneurs, Saanvi Patel and Elizabeth Gravely, has overtaken Tinder as the most popular mobile dating interface amongst the coveted millennial market.

The Dothraki dating app was inspired by the nomadic, horse-riding warriors from the highly-lauded HBO series Game of Thrones. Invoking a deep nostalgia for an era of unambiguous gender norms, the Dothraki app promises its mostly heterosexual female user-base “real, unfiltered men.”

Additionally, to the co-founders’ happy surprise, the dating app has also gained a large user-base amongst a subset of the male LGBT community knows as “bears and cubs,” where the user, often a “cub,” will be seeking a “Dothraki bear.”

Initially, Patel, Gravely, and their angel investors had concerns that the app would struggle to scale if interest did not go beyond the Game of Thrones fan base; however, such concerns quickly subsided when over 1 million users downloaded the Dothraki dating app in its first week.

During a live Facebook chat, Patel had this to say on the app’s meteoric rise: “In retrospect, it’s not surprising that the app has been such a big hit. In this uncertain sociopolitical climate, a lot us are yearning for simpler times, for our own Khal Drogo to take care of things. We want to unleash our primal instincts and tune out of the noise. Less talking, you know, more of… the other stuff.”

The Dothraki app is $14.99/month and available on iOS and Android.

Kim Jong-un to De-Escalate Nuclear Warheads for KFC in Pyongyang

[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]Pyongyang, DPRK — North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has agreed to a temporary disarmament of the miniature nuclear warhead previously identified by U.S. military satellites in exchange for the opening of a KFC (NYSE: YUM) outlet, a popular American fast-food chain founded by Colonel Sanders.

Through a series of extraordinary negotiations between Pyongyang and the U.N. Security Council, Kim will reportedly allow for an unprecedented inspection and de-armament of North Korea’s nuclear arsenal, including the highly dangerous miniature warhead, after the construction of a three-story KFC in downtown Pyongyang is complete. Kim has reportedly requested KFC’s complete menu, including discontinued items, in addition to special “Korean” style items to suit the local palate.

According to unnamed sources close to the negotiating parties, Kim Jong-un has had an appetite for KFC’s Original Recipe chicken ever since he was a young boy. It is rumoured that his father Kim Jong-il introduced his second child to the fast food chain during a special screening of the Star Wars films, a perennial favorite in the Kim family.

Despite Kim’s frequent admonitions of U.S. “imperialist influences“, Kim has privately lamented the lack of quick access to the fast-food chain’s offerings. He was reportedly deeply unhappy with the buckets of KFC chicken flown in from South Korea, the closest neighbouring state with locations, claiming that the fried chicken was soggy and not meant to be consumed hours later.

Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, has tweeted about this global victory, calling it “the best deal I’ve mad [sic] … so far!! #MAGA”