9 GOP Tinder Profiles That Will Make Lazarus Rise Again

Well the weather outside is frightful, but these GOP Tinder profiles are delightful, if you’re into that. For your viewing pleasure, we’ve scoured the Tinder-verse for the creamiest conservative baes to keep you warm this winter season. #MAGA

9. Mike Pence

GOP Tinder Profiles Pence

8. Tiffany Trump

 GOP Tinder Profiles Tiffany

7.  Steve Bannon

GOP Tinder Profiles Bannon

6. Melania Trump

GOP Tinder Profiles Melania

5. Jared Kushner

GOP Tinder Profiles Jared

4. Kellyanne Conway

GOP Tinder Profiles Kellyanne

3. Sarah Huckabee Sanders

 GOP Tinder Profiles Sarah

2. Rex W. Tillerson

GOP Tinder Profiles Rex

1. Roy Moore

GOP Tinder Profiles Moore

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A Roy Moore Love Letter Inspired by Nabokov’s Lolita

Lolita, Leigh, Debbie, Wendy, Gloria, Beverly, Tina, Gena, Becky, Lolita. Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. She was Debbie, plain Debbie, in the morning, at the courthouse, standing four feet ten with her momma. She was Gloria, in a pretty summer dress. She was Wendy at the Gadsden Mall in 1977. She was Beverly at her daddy’s house. Then, in my arms she was Gena, Tina, Becky, and then always, always Lolita, Lolita, at the schoolhouse. Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, an initial girl-child.

Lolita, to a sweeter, more beautiful girl I could not say Merry Christmas.

Love,

Roy Moore, D.A.

Driving Range Installed at White House to Curb Trump’s Tweeting

Washington, D.C. — In a desperate attempt to curb Trump’s tweeting, White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly has reportedly contracted a construction company to install a state-of-the-art driving range on the White House lawn.

Construction is set to take place while Mr. Trump is away on a 12-day Asia tour, which began yesterday. The driving range will boast 18 hitting stalls, enough for the President and many guests “on many sides.” A two-story club house is also in the works. It will be gold-crusted in the style of Trump Tower in New York City with large, swirling T’s emblazoned on the front.

It is well-known that Mr. Trump is an avid golfer, having played at least 33 rounds of golf since the inauguration on January 20, 2017. It is also clear that Mr. Trump loves using Twitter. He has earned himself questionable monikers such as the Tweeter-In-Chief and the Commander-in-Chirp. In his first 100 days, Mr. Trump sent out over 1000 tweets, despite promising on national television to restrain himself once he became president. Since announcing his candidacy back in 2015, Trump has sent nearly 10,000 tweets (including retweets). That makes for an average of 12 tweets per day.

An unnamed source reports that General Kelly is “praying” that this new “big boy toy” will keep both of Mr. Trump’s hands too occupied to send out 140 character messages. Trump’s tweeting about Crooked Hillary or Cryin’ Chuck or a number of his other Twitter enemies drops significantly once he leaves D.C. for one of his golf resorts.

It is rumored that General Kelly intends to keep Mr. Trump at the driving range as much as possible “for the sake of humanity’s survival.”

Trump Sacrifices Second Son Eric to Better Understand War Widow Pain

NEW YORK, NY — Donald Trump has sacrificed his second son, Eric Trump, in an effort to better understand the “war widow pain” everywhere. According to an unnamed source, Mr. Trump had been deeply distraught in the past week by the widespread criticism of his handling of a phone call to the widow of a U.S. soldier. He yearned to show America his “tremendous ability” to “empitize” [sic].

To turn the public eye away from his use of insensitive language with the war widow, mispronouncing the deceased’s name, and a bitter feud with Congresswoman Frederica Wilson, Mr. Trump made a huge sacrifice by killing his second son Eric in a midnight ritual at Trump Tower. It is still unclear how Eric was sacrificed. However, knowing Eric’s penchant for sweets and a fatal allergy to peanut butter, it is plausible that a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup did him in.

Mr. Trump allegedly had a hard time choosing the child who had to be sacrificed. He eventually settled on Eric through a process of elimination. According to the same unnamed source, Don, Jr., his first-born, is needed to run Trump enterprises. Ivanka is too much of a “hot piece” to knock off. And Barron is the only person in the White House who could turn on a computer.

At the end of the sacrifice, Mr. Trump reportedly muttered that he had “totally forgotten” about Tiffany.

The White House is expected to release a statement on Mr. Trump’s newfound ability to relate to the pain of a war widow losing a family member.

In light of the recent tragedy, Mr. Trump is on bereavement leave at his golf resort in New Jersey until he starts feeling better.