COLLEGE STATION, TX — Last night, five former U.S. Presidents joined together in the One America Appeal to raise funds for the victims of hurricane-devastated cities while President Trump appeared via video message, proudly reading his fifth-grade level book report. Though it was clear that certain words slowed down the Commander-in-Chief, he did not make any obvious mistakes in pronunciation and delivered the speech at an agreeable pace. At the very least, Mr. Trump made a tremendous 10 out of 10 effort.
Throughout the evening, the grown-ups fundraised for a humanitarian crisis affecting residents in multiple states and Puerto Rico–a territory of the United States, despite Donald Trump’s insistence that it is a sovereign nation. We assure you, it is not.
One by one, each former president spoke to the crowd about One America Appeal, and how we, as a nation, had the obligation to come together as a whole to support and champion our fellow neighbors. And one by one, each former president received applause from the crowd. We can only imagine how miffed Donny was when Obama received the most enthusiastic (read: raucous) round of applause; other ex-prezzies looked on in jealousy and admiration when the Father of the Nation spoke.
It was reminiscent of high school graduation when the prom king/quarterback crossed the stage. Sure, Kevin the valedictorian heard a murmur of applause and cheering, mostly from his parents seated in the upper-hand corner of the local civic center, but the QB? Nuts. The only difference: Nobody cares about the QB anymore now that high school is decades in the past and he’s probably balding. But everybody still loves Obama.
Other things of note: We’re pretty sure One America Appeal was the first and only time a bunch of East Coast liberal elites have ever attended a country music concert. Lady Gaga also performed and wore a white suit which was, like, super suffragette of her. George H.W. Bush is getting wayyy up there–so up there, in fact, we’re not even sure if he knew where he was. Former First Lady Laura Bush (and former Democrat) still looks like she feels guilty about marrying a Republican. And mostly, thanks to all the “we really needed this” tweets, we now know just how badly the entire country needs a world-class therapist who specializes in PTED: Post Traumatic Election Disorder.
Editor’s Note: You should probably not be a heartless b*tch, so go donate some coin to #OneAmericaAppeal.
WASHINGTON, D.C — Recently appointed White House Cybersecurity Advisor, Barron Trump, released a memo earlier this week to White House staffers on the topic of the moment: Blockchain. The memo has since gone viral after Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders released it to the public.
“Barron is a smart kid and he’s well ahead of the curve,” she said, speaking to the press. “As you all know we like to occasionally highlight our exceptional young talent, as in the case of Dylan Pickles and Frank “FX” Giaccio. It just so happens that today we’re highlighting the President’s son.”
A scanned copy of the memo is below.
NEW YORK, NY — In a landmark move, FOX has picked up season 2 of the Trump White House Reality Show after numerous complaints from family members and White House aides surfaced that tv production didn’t mirror on-set actions.
“They’ve twisted everything around to fit their fake news agenda,” says Sarah Huckabee Sanders, spokesperson for the Trump Family.
Reports that segment producer Maggie Haberman has it in for Trump have been running rampant within the White House, but Trump can’t seem to let Haberman go.
“The President has huge respect for Maggie,” says Sanders. “They’ve developed a rapport in the Oval Office despite her negative comments.”
Scenes from the season included the firing of James Comey and other members of the administration–as well as fan-favorite Sean Spicer, short-lived Anthony Scaramucci, and the most polarizing figure of the show, Steve Bannon. Bannon promised a thrilling spin-off on his exit, but news of a production timeline hasn’t surfaced.
Bannon’s publicist declined to comment on when we might see the spin-off, but did manage to let slip that certain members of the Trump family would be “going down.”
FOX & Friends princess Ainsley Earhardt will serve as executive producer for season 2.
[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]Former undercover CIA Agent Valerie Plame Wilson has launched a $1bn GoFundMe crowdfunding campaign to buy a significant stake in Twitter (NYSE: TWTR) as an effort to delete Donald Trump’s twitter account. Wilson, who was ousted by the Bush administration as retaliation against her diplomat husband Joe Wilson’s public criticisms of the Iraq invasion, has stated that Trump’s tweets “damage the country and put people in harm’s way.”
According to the campaign page, Wilson hopes to raise enough funds to buy a controlling interest in the publicly traded company; however, even if she does reach the $1bn goal, it would take roughly $6bn to close out a majority stake.
Still, a $1bn stake would make Wilson Twitter’s largest shareholder, giving her a front seat position with which to exert major decisions and influence in the company’s overall direction.
The campaign launched last week with Wilson tweeting: “If @Twitter executives won’t shut down Trump’s violence and hate, then it’s up to us. #BuyTwitter #BanTrump.”
As of early Saturday morning, the GoFundMe account had already pulled in donations exceeding $70,000. Though a far cry from the requested $1bn, it speaks volumes to the complete exhaustion felt by American’s in regards to the President’s childish behavior.
On Thursday, the President went on another early morning Twitter rant, criticising congressional GOP leaders and retweeting a meme of himself eclipsing former President Barack Obama.
— Jerry Travone (@JerryTravone) August 24, 2017
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders had this to say: “Her ridiculous attempt to shut down his first amendment is the only clear violation and expression of hate and intolerance in this equation.”
Sanders also went on to point out that most American’s appreciate the President’s use of Twitter and the “transparency” that comes with it, although we’re not entirely sure where she’s getting her polling results from.
Twitter declined to comment on both the President’s tweets and Wilson’s fundraising efforts.
[sg_popup id=”1″ event=”onload”][/sg_popup]In the eight months since the President took public office, the Trump administration has caused the average news day in American politics to feel like a month’s worth of news under the Obama administration. Maybe even two months. As a millennial, I cannot recall a time when the lives of the citizenry felt more like they belonged in the Twilight Zone, or that we were all already, collectively, living in a Twilight Zone.
It was only a mere 24 hours after being sworn in that Donald Trump made his first egregious blunder as the leader of the free world: He lied publically about the size of his inauguration audience. He lied in the same manner of a four-year-old trying to win back his candy from an exhausted mother juggling three other children. Completely convinced he was right, dubious to the clearly presented facts, and ignorant or perhaps just uncaring to the chaos surrounding him, which he no doubt caused.
His lies, inaccuracies, missteps, Tweets, tantrums, et al., have plagued the once prominent office and turned the Presidency into both a national and global disgrace. Foreign leaders and papers openly mock Donald Trump, US media outlets don’t even hide their partisanship anymore (ours included), social media sites encourage users to flag for fake news when they see it. Real news feels like satire, and satire is often mistaken for real news.
This says nothing of the many faces to enter and exit the White House. In perhaps the clearest indicator of the failing Trump administration, the list of aides who have either resigned or been fired is monumental at best.
Carl Icahn, the billionaire investor, and special advisor resigned on August 18 after he was criticized for making policy recommendations that would ultimately benefit his own investments.
Steve Bannon either quit or was fired (we can’t be sure which because neither the President nor Mr. Bannon can agree to a term), and the Breitbart founder turned chief strategist has vowed war against the many enemies he made in the White House.
Anthony Scaramucci was fired after only 10 days as WH Director of Communications by President Trump on the recommendation of John Kelly, who replaced Reince Priebus (see below) as Chief of Staff. (Long live The Mooch.)
Reince Priebus privately resigned on July 27 for reasons still unclear. This came on the heels of then-WH comm director Scaramucci accusing Priebus of leaking confidential material to reporters.
Sean Spicer gifted the media daily gaffes, but ultimately resigned after the hiring of Anthony Scaramucci. Spicer was never someone we anticipated staying for long and Sarah Huckabee Sanders has proved more than adept at navigating the press.
Michael Flynn, former National Security Advisor, was the first indicator of the impending presidential doom. His ties with Russia were revealed after he misled a Pentagon investigation over income and foreign business affairs.
There are more, plenty more–including James Comey. But following a catastrophic response to Charlottesville, it appears the next person to resign from the Trump administration might be Donald Trump himself.
What we are about to witness is the complete and total collapse of the President of the United States.