Leaked Trump Memo Reveals Continued Conspiracy Theory Investigations

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the President’s order to uncover the JFK Assassination files, Trump is now demanding the investigation of three more conspiracy theories. Namely, Area 51, the Pyramids of Giza, and Ganghis Kahn’s ability to sleep with thousands of women and father hundreds offspring.

A memo from the Oval Office leaked this morning.

Conspiracy Theories Leaked

Another unnamed source reveals that the White House has created teams to investigate each conspiracy theory.

“He’s recruited the top minds and scientists from Russia, and the most knowledgeable conspiracy theorists from the Midwest,” the WH source said. “Comey will not be invited.”

Each file being compiled for the mysterious cases are titled “Trump’d,” a term coined by the Commander in Chief himself.

“I can solve every mystery. I’m smart. I went to an Ivy League School. I’ve read books. Once a mystery is solved, I’ll say it’s been Trump’d!”

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Why It’s Not Okay to Say I Only Date Colored Girls

A few years ago, when I was young, naïve, and new to the dating scene, I met a man at a friend’s birthday party. He was attentive, refilling my drinks in flash, smiling, flirting. As many people have done before, he asked me what my ethnicity is. I don’t always have issues with this question (that is, unless it’s worded as “What are you?” but that’s another monster entirely), simply because I know it’s hard to tell.

I’m a mutt, a combined heritage of Thai, Chinese, English, Italian, French, German, and Scots-Irish. That being said, I’ve heard it all; people asking if I’m Korean, Japanese, Indonesian, South American, Native Alaskan, Spanish, Mongolian, Hawaiian. I’ve once heard Mexican, which I found odd. So, when someone asks flat out what my heritage is, I answer usually with, “I’m half Thai, half white.” When I answered this man’s question, I was not prepared for his answer and the way it made me feel.

“I’m half Thai, half white,” I said.

“God, yes, I love Asian girls. I only date girls of color.”

The way he looked at me made me uncomfortable. Suddenly, instead of seeing this good-looking, blonde American boy, I saw an old balding man at a brothel in China on a business trip, calling home to me, his wife, saying everything is fine while he was surrounded by naked Asian women.

I thought, that’s a bit dramatic.

But then, over the years, it continued to happen to me. A boy I was in a relationship with for a year confessed that he “only dates women of color.” And a year later when I saw that his new girlfriend looked frighteningly similar to me did I realize it was weird. I must be clear; this does not exclusively come from white males.

A man who told me he was half Indian, half Dominican said to me, “I love exotic colored women with curves, so you’re perfect.” And in a gay bar, a woman told me she only spoke to girls with color. The more I heard it, the more I realized how wrong it made me feel.

Let’s also discuss the implications of the word “colored.” In instances concerning myself, I assumed it meant “I only date girls that are not white.” In this, I felt alienated, am I not as much white as I am Asian? But in the eyes of these certain people, it seemed they only saw half of me.

On top of that, it made me feel not unique to this person showing an interest in me as though the next non-white girl walking through the door would divert their attention immediately (this has actually happened to me). It seems shallow, but so is their comment that my appearance is the top thing that made them turn their attention my way.

However, this issue goes beyond my own uncomfortable feelings. Historically, the term “colored” is regarded highly offensive, a racial slur recalled from a time when casual racism was a part of everyday life. The term was and still is used predominantly towards describing a black person.

Today in a wider focus, it’s used to describe anyone who is not white, which implies that white is the default, the normal skin tone. Recently, Benedict Cumberbatch used the term to refer to black actors. Not realizing the offense at the time, Cumberbatch had to come out and apologize for using the term.

During the era of the Jim Crow laws in America from the 1870s to 1960s, signs labeled “colored only” directed where a non-white person could or could not go. It drove segregation back then, and it continues to do the same today in 2017, even if people are unaware of its effect.

Essentially, saying a person is colored implies they are not normal. Likewise, saying someone is “mixed race” implies there exists pure race. And let’s be real, a pure race is as rare as finding gold in the mouth of a deep sea fish. Every skin color is a color; people believing that they are clarifying their physical preference of a partner are in reality sounding racially ignorant and slightly creepy.

Saying “I only date colored people” should really mean that you don’t date ghosts, and good for you. Though I think that’s implied in everyday life, unless you’re Lizzie from Gray’s Anatomy and you date your dead imaginary fiancé, in which case thank you for clearing that up.

Plus, saying “I only date colored girls” sounds like a fetish. When someone says they’re attracted to your smile or the shape of your eyes, it sounds more personalized. But then when someone says for example, they like feet, immediately you wonder what creepy, serial killer-esque plans they have for your toes.

Break down the wall of generalizations. Every human is different and beautiful in their own unique way. Using the general “colored girls only” line sounds like the person is a collector. Look at my repertoire, look at my mantle of “colored girls,” see, I only date these specific items. A closet full of marionette puppets. It’s gross, it’s offensive, and red flags should be sprouting from the ground.

Everybody has a “type;” a preference for a certain appearance that attracts them. This is not unknown. However, these “types” go beyond appearance and tap into personality, morals, religious ideas—the combination. There’s a better way to tell a woman or a man that they’re the perfect fit for you. It is not by further segregating them or making them feel like their appearance is their only drawing attribute.

Not only does the general comment “I only date colored girls” strike an offensive tone, but also implies disloyalty in a further relationship. If a person approaches you and says you’re just their type in those exact words, what’s to stop them from seeing the next girl or boy that is “just their type” even when they’re with you? Here’s the solution, when dating someone, avoid the whole “I like colored girls” comment all together. There is nothing good about it, and personally, I don’t want to know that I am amongst the many girls who look just like me in your long line of dating history.

10 Times President Donald Trump Was 10 Out Of 10

A+ In the White House, F- Everywhere Else

The president’s self-proclaimed gold star shines once again. In recent news, Donald Trump rated himself a 10/10 effort for his response to Puerto Rico’s hurricane disaster. Trump’s ’10’ rating still leaves 78 percent of the island’s residents without electricity and only 72 percent have access to drinkable water. One can only imagine, if Trump gave a mere 9 effort by his standards, Puerto Rico wouldn’t even exist anymore. That being said, here’s a comprehensive list of the times Trump was truly 10 out of 10.

10. Diplomacy with North Korea

Because his predecessors couldn’t deal with Kim Jong Un or his dad for the last, uhm, 25 years, was it? Obviously, 10 out of 10 for the Don for taking out his nukes for measurement.

Donald Trump NK

 9. Repealing and replacing Obamacare

Republican efforts to repeal and replace Obamacare with the Graham-Cassidy bill died on the floor of the Senate this past month. According to Trump, the bill failed because one of the votes was in the hospital and there wasn’t enough time. Besides that, the bill surely would have passed.

8. Draining the Swamp

It appears Trump never put the stopper over the drain…down goes the swamp and everyone else, too. Sean Spicer, drained. Stephen Bannon, drained. Reince Priebus, drained. Michael Flynn, drained. Katie Walsh, drained. The Mooch, drained. And that’s just to name a few of Trump’s swamptastic staff to get sucked down the drain.

Donald Trump WWF

7. His Golf Stroke

Hole in one.

6. His Inauguration

By Donald Trump’s standard, his January 2017 inauguration was the most attended inauguration in the history of, like, ever. So packed even, that people had to fight for standing room.

Donald Trump Inauguration

5. His Handshake with Emmanuel Macron

10 out of 10 because it lasted longer than 10…seconds. And 20.

4. Twitter reaction time to NFL protesters

Reaction time on fleek, President Trump never misses a rating, or a chance to scold grown men for protesting their rights.

3. Helping the LGBTQ community

Since his promise to fight for the LGBTQ community, Donald Trump has out-shone his efforts. Just take banning transgenders from the military: why fight when you could just be fabulous, he says.

Donald Trump LGBT

2. Signing Bills

In the first 100 days, Spicer claimed Trump had signed more bills than any of his predecessors. Roosevelt signed 76, but that’s beside the point. Though Trump has signed a good number, none of the 28 bills were major pieces of legislation, meaning they’re essentially worthless to the American public.

1. Dealing with Climate Change

Trump’s 10 out of 10 response to climate change simply means ignoring it exists. Can’t get a bad rating if it’s not real, amirite? Stephen Hawking said Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris Agreement “could push Earth over the brink.” Psshhh, what does the smartest man on the planet know?

 

Trump Enacts Character Counts Week, Mistakes It For National Twitter Holiday

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald J. Trump used his presidential power to proclaim October 15 through October 21 as National Character Counts Week, an admirable movement towards the improvement of the nation’s youth. This week brings awareness to the building of characters within the good-hearted American families. Nationalizing American children must begin as soon as possible.

But come 2 am October 18, Trump woke his cabinet with a fright. Evidently, Twitter has blatantly ignored his proclamation and has yet to waive the character count number on tweets.

Recently, Twitter (NYSE: TWTR) began running trials for a select group of people allowing them access to 280 characters as opposed to the limited 140. Trump, upon hearing the news, assumed he–as one of their highest-ranking patrons–would be amongst the group. However, he is not. It is rumored this event inspired him to proclaim the National Character Counts Week.

“The president is fed up with the continuous ‘dot dot dots’ interrupting his tweets,” said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders at the press conference earlier this morning. “The majority of President Trump’s supporters receive vital news and updates that come from the president himself. They trust and rely on his tweets only.”

Donald Trump, known for his “straight talk,” is dumbfounded his words were mixed up. Another case of the fake news blues. But now, Trump’s attacks on Twitter, his sole social media platform, could spell disaster for the White House. Trump spoke out: “How else will news get to the people? We can’t trust any news outlet, and now we can’t trust Twitter? Sad!”

Tensions have risen in the White House and Trump continues to demand Twitter recognize his new national holiday, the most important holiday in American History.

ICYMI: Betsy DeVos is the Muggle Version of Professor Umbridge

In the Muggle World, We Have Betsy DeVos

When an unqualified usurper comes to power over school children, we can’t help but make the obvious connection: Betsy DeVos is the muggle version of Dolores Umbridge.  Here are a few instances it’s hard to tell the difference between the US Secretary of Education and corrupt headmaster Dolores Umbridge.

Her Preference for Pink

Umbridge’s signature look is trending in the White House. The only difference here, Umbridge knows where to find the pencils.

Receives Security Detail Because of Her Unpopular Ideas

DeVos receives heavy security detail from the US federal marshals for a bill totaling over $8 million dollars in 8 months. Betsy is the only cabinet member getting such high-security detail. A rare photo of her security guards has surfaced thanks to White House leaks:

When Impressing the Dark Lord Comes Above the Wellness of School Children

Dolores: Oh, children are being petrified and using the Unforgivable Curses? Voldemort doesn’t seem concerned.

Betsy: Oh, children are being sexually assaulted and not getting justice? Trump doesn’t seem concerned.

No Prior Experience in the Education Field

It’s not her extensive knowledge of pedagogy and curriculum building that landed DeVos the job. Just ask Umbridge, it’s all about powerful connections.

Dramatic Changes to the Previous Administration’s Class Rules

In recent news, DeVos is challenging Obama-era Title IX concerning how schools handle sexual misconduct. Next, she’ll start nailing the rules over the walls of the Senate.

Safety of Students Comes Last

Devos said, “Any school that refuses to take seriously a student who reports sexual misconduct is one that discriminates. And any school that uses a system biased toward finding a student responsible for sexual misconduct also commits discrimination.”

If there is any light at the end of the tunnel, it’s that Professor Umbridge got her due. Let’s hope DeVos goes down in similar flames:

Exclusive Preview into Trump’s New American History Book

Washington, D.C. – An anonymous source has confirmed he will ghostwrite Donald J. Trump’s new book called, The Many Sides and Fine People in American History. After much confusion these past few weeks, Trump felt it necessary to further explain his words, words he believes the media did not report correctly. Back in August, the President said, “You don’t make statements that direct unless you know the facts. It takes a little while to get the facts.” The full transcript is available here and the edited version will be included in the new book, to avoid further confusion.

Still frustrated that he is the only one in the world to know the facts, Trump has taken it upon himself to dictate this book. The Many Sides and Fine People in American History will be the only history book taught to the American children starting at age 6.  It is the president’s hope that this book will destroy fake news once and for all.

His ghost writer has given us an exclusive preview of the text.

Fact #1

I, Donald J. Trump, rank 2nd as the most-presidential president in all of American history. After, Abraham Lincoln of course. I don’t even remember the names of the other 10 guys. That’s how un-presidential they were.

Fact #2

The best quotation from all the great leaders of the world did not come from Winston Churchill or Nelson Mandela as fake news would claim. In fact, the most influential and motivating quote came from Adolf Hitler: “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”

Fact #3

The Cold War began in 1947 and started America and Russia’s beautiful but complicated friendship. Look, Russia gave the US Alaska even before the Cold War, and now America has oil. Very beneficial friendship with Russia. Bigly.

Fact #4

The American “slaves” were paid $1.50 to fight for the Confederacy and given the choice to join the North or the South. Back then, $1.50 was a lot of money. Just like 1/5th is a big number to compromise with.

Fact #5

During the Charlottesville free speech rally on August 12, 2017, the alt-left charged the alt-right with clubs swinging about violently. The alt-right victims were unable to protect themselves because they holding the Swastika flags and tiki-torches in their hands.

Hardback available Summer 2018.