Lesser-Known Provisions Hidden in the Republican Tax Plan

Co-Authored by Diana Vilibert 

Each assault rifle you care for now qualifies as a dependent.

Individuals in Puerto Rico who incurred hurricane-related damages will receive six thoughts and prayers annually.

Medical deduction available only to taxpayers whose Viagra expenses are more than 10% of their adjusted gross incomes.

Eggplant emoji. 🍆

Tax refunds for same-sex married couples now only offered in the form of cakes depicting Pence’s top 10 biblical punishments.

Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) funding now reallocated to a program that televises trust fund teens making fun of poor people’s cars. (Premiering next fall on Fox.)

We’re going to start hunting the elderly. This isn’t a tax thing, we’re just putting it in here so you know when the two-minute head-start begins. (Now. It begins now.)

Just a crudely drawn illustration of a penis scribbled in the margins of page 326. Still…now it’s the law.

Offshore bank accounts are now taxed at the rate of churches. Churches now receive the funding of public elementary schools. Public elementary schools will be replaced with a handgun and an old copy of Highlights magazine.

The entire National Park Service now belongs to me, Dan, the third-shift assistant copy editor!

Anyone with a pre-existing condition will automatically get launched into space, but not in a fun way. This is for tax reasons.

Drilling in Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is now mandatory for all taxpayers.

Teacher expense tax credit will be replaced with one broken pair of craft scissors and half a bag of pipe cleaners (per school district).

Hissss, click. [Mastication sounds.]

Tax breaks for low-income families entirely obscured by a chilling fingerpaint reproduction of Edvard Munch’s The Scream.

Something in Russian. It’s probably fine.

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How to Survive the Holiday Season with Your Trump-Supporting Relatives

Be sure to stock up on lots of useful thoughts and prayers before your trip. Pass these out in lieu of gifts.

Rejoice in the fact that your lack of health care options means you’ll have to attend far fewer of these events in the future.

Maybe Creepy Dave from high school still sells weed? Try tearing your old bedroom apart looking for Creepy Dave’s pager number.

Gently remind everyone that libtarded people can still lead rich and full lives.

Try and focus on the positives so you can enjoy these last few moments with your family before the homosexuals force Jesus to open the seventh seal of the apocalypse, or whatever the fuck Uncle Terry is ranting about.

Remember, guns help keep people safe. So make sure everyone arrives at this year’s drunken screamfest heavily armed. You know, for safety.

Replace all of your carefully nuanced arguments with a series of high pitched screeches. I mean, why the fuck not at this point.

Seriously, really take a minute to enjoy Uncle Terry. He won’t be around forever, you know. Christ, what do you think happened there?

Rest assured that no matter what far-flung, two-bit town you hail from, it’s surely been flooded with cheap opiates by now.

After a whole year of reading hateful, right-wing abuse from anonymous trolls online, you almost forget how magical it feels to get hateful, right-wing abuse screamed at you in person.

Maybe Aunt Alice would value Obamacare more if she were to have an accident. It’s not like she’s rich is all I’m saying.

Take heart, your racist grandmother won’t live forever. In fact, she’ll likely die soon. We’ll all likely die soon.

19th Century Advice for Your 21st Century, First World Problems

In business, the first to enslave the most talented employees will often succeed.

Retirement packages aren’t what they used to be. Consider dying in a historic, molasses-themed catastrophe.

Few modern weight loss solutions offer the romance of cholera.

Real estate is at a premium these days. Look into renting a shared hovel with other desperate, shambling transients.

Dave in payroll might not keep miscalculating your commission if he were burned alive for being a witch. Just saying.

Crippling anxiety can often be alleviated by replacing it with a sturdy, metal hook.

In the event your favorite organic juice bar has been closed for health code violations, remember that blood letting is also a time-tested way to balance your humours.

If you find your honor has been sullied, don’t hesitate to challenge BelieberMom16 to pistols at dawn in your town’s designated dueling square.

Healthcare premiums are increasing. Consider enrolling in an employer-sponsored factory fire.

Identity theft has become a widespread occurrence. Avoid any bets that hinge on masquerading common cockney flower girls as proper English ladies.

Sufferers of paralyzing, existential angst can be thankful we live in a time when heroin is freely available everywhere without a prescription.

Resist the urge to constantly check your twitter feed by fitting urge with a restrictive bodice made from whalebone.

Don’t get hacked! Remember, the most secure way to share photos of your genitalia is by homing pigeon or another loyal animal you have painstakingly trained for just this purpose.

Online penis-enlargement schemes are a sham. Killing a giraffe is the only surefire path to ultimate male enhancement.

Corey Bernstein from high school won’t be de-friending anyone else on Facebook if she’s been poisoned at the spring cotillion in West Egg this year. Just saying.

In the event Russian oligarchs appear to be seizing control, remember that America’s free-market system produces the best oligarchs in the world.

The effectiveness of a simple hatpin cannot be overstated in determining if it is indeed Susan who’s been stealing your paleo snacks from the office minifridge.

That Miss Havisham costume from the Fairlane Middle School Advanced-English Jamboree could come in handy if Dave from OKCupid doesn’t text you back tonight.

Overprescription of ADHD drugs is a growing concern. Consider alternative therapies, like locking your child in an attic until he becomes famous for writing a poem about crows or whatever.

Remember, in the gig economy, everyone is a surgeon.