Lesser-Known Provisions Hidden in the Republican Tax Plan

Co-Authored by Diana Vilibert 

Each assault rifle you care for now qualifies as a dependent.

Individuals in Puerto Rico who incurred hurricane-related damages will receive six thoughts and prayers annually.

Medical deduction available only to taxpayers whose Viagra expenses are more than 10% of their adjusted gross incomes.

Eggplant emoji. 🍆

Tax refunds for same-sex married couples now only offered in the form of cakes depicting Pence’s top 10 biblical punishments.

Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) funding now reallocated to a program that televises trust fund teens making fun of poor people’s cars. (Premiering next fall on Fox.)

We’re going to start hunting the elderly. This isn’t a tax thing, we’re just putting it in here so you know when the two-minute head-start begins. (Now. It begins now.)

Just a crudely drawn illustration of a penis scribbled in the margins of page 326. Still…now it’s the law.

Offshore bank accounts are now taxed at the rate of churches. Churches now receive the funding of public elementary schools. Public elementary schools will be replaced with a handgun and an old copy of Highlights magazine.

The entire National Park Service now belongs to me, Dan, the third-shift assistant copy editor!

Anyone with a pre-existing condition will automatically get launched into space, but not in a fun way. This is for tax reasons.

Drilling in Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is now mandatory for all taxpayers.

Teacher expense tax credit will be replaced with one broken pair of craft scissors and half a bag of pipe cleaners (per school district).

Hissss, click. [Mastication sounds.]

Tax breaks for low-income families entirely obscured by a chilling fingerpaint reproduction of Edvard Munch’s The Scream.

Something in Russian. It’s probably fine.


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