Be sure to stock up on lots of useful thoughts and prayers before your trip. Pass these out in lieu of gifts.
Rejoice in the fact that your lack of health care options means you’ll have to attend far fewer of these events in the future.
Maybe Creepy Dave from high school still sells weed? Try tearing your old bedroom apart looking for Creepy Dave’s pager number.
Gently remind everyone that libtarded people can still lead rich and full lives.
Try and focus on the positives so you can enjoy these last few moments with your family before the homosexuals force Jesus to open the seventh seal of the apocalypse, or whatever the fuck Uncle Terry is ranting about.
Remember, guns help keep people safe. So make sure everyone arrives at this year’s drunken screamfest heavily armed. You know, for safety.
Replace all of your carefully nuanced arguments with a series of high pitched screeches. I mean, why the fuck not at this point.
Seriously, really take a minute to enjoy Uncle Terry. He won’t be around forever, you know. Christ, what do you think happened there?
Rest assured that no matter what far-flung, two-bit town you hail from, it’s surely been flooded with cheap opiates by now.
After a whole year of reading hateful, right-wing abuse from anonymous trolls online, you almost forget how magical it feels to get hateful, right-wing abuse screamed at you in person.
Maybe Aunt Alice would value Obamacare more if she were to have an accident. It’s not like she’s rich is all I’m saying.
Take heart, your racist grandmother won’t live forever. In fact, she’ll likely die soon. We’ll all likely die soon.