Satire

Driving Range Installed at White House to Curb Trump’s Tweeting

Washington, D.C. — In a desperate attempt to curb Trump’s tweeting, White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly has reportedly contracted a construction company to install a state-of-the-art driving range on the White House lawn.

Construction is set to take place while Mr. Trump is away on a 12-day Asia tour, which began yesterday. The driving range will boast 18 hitting stalls, enough for the President and many guests “on many sides.” A two-story club house is also in the works. It will be gold-crusted in the style of Trump Tower in New York City with large, swirling T’s emblazoned on the front.

It is well-known that Mr. Trump is an avid golfer, having played at least 33 rounds of golf since the inauguration on January 20, 2017. It is also clear that Mr. Trump loves using Twitter. He has earned himself questionable monikers such as the Tweeter-In-Chief and the Commander-in-Chirp. In his first 100 days, Mr. Trump sent out over 1000 tweets, despite promising on national television to restrain himself once he became president. Since announcing his candidacy back in 2015, Trump has sent nearly 10,000 tweets (including retweets). That makes for an average of 12 tweets per day.

An unnamed source reports that General Kelly is “praying” that this new “big boy toy” will keep both of Mr. Trump’s hands too occupied to send out 140 character messages. Trump’s tweeting about Crooked Hillary or Cryin’ Chuck or a number of his other Twitter enemies drops significantly once he leaves D.C. for one of his golf resorts.

It is rumored that General Kelly intends to keep Mr. Trump at the driving range as much as possible “for the sake of humanity’s survival.”

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