NEW YORK, NY — Donald Trump has sacrificed his second son, Eric Trump, in an effort to better understand the “war widow pain” everywhere. According to an unnamed source, Mr. Trump had been deeply distraught in the past week by the widespread criticism of his handling of a phone call to the widow of a U.S. soldier. He yearned to show America his “tremendous ability” to “empitize” [sic].
To turn the public eye away from his use of insensitive language with the war widow, mispronouncing the deceased’s name, and a bitter feud with Congresswoman Frederica Wilson, Mr. Trump made a huge sacrifice by killing his second son Eric in a midnight ritual at Trump Tower. It is still unclear how Eric was sacrificed. However, knowing Eric’s penchant for sweets and a fatal allergy to peanut butter, it is plausible that a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup did him in.
Mr. Trump allegedly had a hard time choosing the child who had to be sacrificed. He eventually settled on Eric through a process of elimination. According to the same unnamed source, Don, Jr., his first-born, is needed to run Trump enterprises. Ivanka is too much of a “hot piece” to knock off. And Barron is the only person in the White House who could turn on a computer.
At the end of the sacrifice, Mr. Trump reportedly muttered that he had “totally forgotten” about Tiffany.
The White House is expected to release a statement on Mr. Trump’s newfound ability to relate to the pain of a war widow losing a family member.
In light of the recent tragedy, Mr. Trump is on bereavement leave at his golf resort in New Jersey until he starts feeling better.