COLLEGE STATION, TX — Last night, five former U.S. Presidents joined together in the One America Appeal to raise funds for the victims of hurricane-devastated cities while President Trump appeared via video message, proudly reading his fifth-grade level book report. Though it was clear that certain words slowed down the Commander-in-Chief, he did not make any obvious mistakes in pronunciation and delivered the speech at an agreeable pace. At the very least, Mr. Trump made a tremendous 10 out of 10 effort.
Throughout the evening, the grown-ups fundraised for a humanitarian crisis affecting residents in multiple states and Puerto Rico–a territory of the United States, despite Donald Trump’s insistence that it is a sovereign nation. We assure you, it is not.
One by one, each former president spoke to the crowd about One America Appeal, and how we, as a nation, had the obligation to come together as a whole to support and champion our fellow neighbors. And one by one, each former president received applause from the crowd. We can only imagine how miffed Donny was when Obama received the most enthusiastic (read: raucous) round of applause; other ex-prezzies looked on in jealousy and admiration when the Father of the Nation spoke.
It was reminiscent of high school graduation when the prom king/quarterback crossed the stage. Sure, Kevin the valedictorian heard a murmur of applause and cheering, mostly from his parents seated in the upper-hand corner of the local civic center, but the QB? Nuts. The only difference: Nobody cares about the QB anymore now that high school is decades in the past and he’s probably balding. But everybody still loves Obama.
Other things of note: We’re pretty sure One America Appeal was the first and only time a bunch of East Coast liberal elites have ever attended a country music concert. Lady Gaga also performed and wore a white suit which was, like, super suffragette of her. George H.W. Bush is getting wayyy up there–so up there, in fact, we’re not even sure if he knew where he was. Former First Lady Laura Bush (and former Democrat) still looks like she feels guilty about marrying a Republican. And mostly, thanks to all the “we really needed this” tweets, we now know just how badly the entire country needs a world-class therapist who specializes in PTED: Post Traumatic Election Disorder.
Editor’s Note: You should probably not be a heartless b*tch, so go donate some coin to #OneAmericaAppeal.