Satire

Speaker Paul Ryan’s Spine Found Near Tijuana, Mexico

Rosarito, Mexico — Paul Ryan’s spine appears to have been found near Rosarito Beach, about 18 miles south of Tijuana, in the popular resort town of Rosarito. Mr. Ryan’s spine was found by a group of American college students vacationing in the area.  According to one student, who preferred to remain unnamed,  Mr. Ryan’s spine was in bad shape–soft and reeking of cheap tequila.  She described the spine as “putrid” and “discoloured,” and said that she “felt bad for the horrible state of Mr. Ryan’s spine but really couldn’t stand the smell.”

The Speaker of the House, along with much of the GOP leadership, has struggled to move forward with key items on the Republican agenda, including tax reform and health care. Despite having a majority in both the House and the Senate, the Republican agenda has been at a standstill, in large part due to the deluge of crises coming out of the White House and the public tension between the legislative and executive branches of government.

According to US Customs officials, Paul Ryan’s spine will be repatriated to the U.S. once it has bypassed 60 days of quarantine at the U.S.-Mexican border. An unnamed border agent disclosed that Mr. Ryan’s spine has been begging to “not be taken back to the swamp, anything but the swamp.”

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