Satire

Kim Jong-un to De-Escalate Nuclear Warheads for KFC in Pyongyang

Pyongyang, DPRK — North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has agreed to a temporary disarmament of the miniature nuclear warhead previously identified by U.S. military satellites in exchange for the opening of a KFC (NYSE: YUM) outlet, a popular American fast-food chain founded by Colonel Sanders.

Through a series of extraordinary negotiations between Pyongyang and the U.N. Security Council, Kim will reportedly allow for an unprecedented inspection and de-armament of North Korea’s nuclear arsenal, including the highly dangerous miniature warhead, after the construction of a three-story KFC in downtown Pyongyang is complete. Kim has reportedly requested KFC’s complete menu, including discontinued items, in addition to special “Korean” style items to suit the local palate.

According to unnamed sources close to the negotiating parties, Kim Jong-un has had an appetite for KFC’s Original Recipe chicken ever since he was a young boy. It is rumoured that his father Kim Jong-il introduced his second child to the fast food chain during a special screening of the Star Wars films, a perennial favorite in the Kim family.

Despite Kim’s frequent admonitions of U.S. “imperialist influences“, Kim has privately lamented the lack of quick access to the fast-food chain’s offerings. He was reportedly deeply unhappy with the buckets of KFC chicken flown in from South Korea, the closest neighbouring state with locations, claiming that the fried chicken was soggy and not meant to be consumed hours later.

Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, has tweeted about this global victory, calling it “the best deal I’ve mad [sic] … so far!! #MAGA”

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