9 GOP Tinder Profiles That Will Make Lazarus Rise Again

Well the weather outside is frightful, but these GOP Tinder profiles are delightful, if you’re into that. For your viewing pleasure, we’ve scoured the Tinder-verse for the creamiest conservative baes to keep you warm this winter season. #MAGA

9. Mike Pence

GOP Tinder Profiles Pence

8. Tiffany Trump

 GOP Tinder Profiles Tiffany

7.  Steve Bannon

GOP Tinder Profiles Bannon

6. Melania Trump

GOP Tinder Profiles Melania

5. Jared Kushner

GOP Tinder Profiles Jared

4. Kellyanne Conway

GOP Tinder Profiles Kellyanne

3. Sarah Huckabee Sanders

 GOP Tinder Profiles Sarah

2. Rex W. Tillerson

GOP Tinder Profiles Rex

1. Roy Moore

GOP Tinder Profiles Moore

13 ‘Low Class’ Pets Who Just Can’t Deal With Donald Trump

Low class pets? These doggos are about to show Donald Trump what low class really means.

13. “Is this how your hair looks in the morning, too?” 

12. “Need to borrow my muzzle?” 

11. “Dear Melania….” 

10. “Who knew health care could be so hard?” 

9. “When Ivanka starts talking about women’s rights.” 

8. “Well, I think the press makes me more uncivil than I am. You know – people don’t understand – I went to an Ivy League college. I was a nice student. I did very well. I’m a very intelligent person.”

7. “It’s like looking in the mirror — right, Mr. President?” 

6. “Daddy can you tuck me into bed, please? Love, Eric.” 

5. “I even won the popular vote.”

4. “When you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.” 

3. “With Love, From Russia.”

2. “Where x = y, my bed = America.” 

1. “Who you calling a low class pet?”


Lesser-Known Provisions Hidden in the Republican Tax Plan

Co-Authored by Diana Vilibert 

Each assault rifle you care for now qualifies as a dependent.

Individuals in Puerto Rico who incurred hurricane-related damages will receive six thoughts and prayers annually.

Medical deduction available only to taxpayers whose Viagra expenses are more than 10% of their adjusted gross incomes.

Eggplant emoji. 🍆

Tax refunds for same-sex married couples now only offered in the form of cakes depicting Pence’s top 10 biblical punishments.

Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) funding now reallocated to a program that televises trust fund teens making fun of poor people’s cars. (Premiering next fall on Fox.)

We’re going to start hunting the elderly. This isn’t a tax thing, we’re just putting it in here so you know when the two-minute head-start begins. (Now. It begins now.)

Just a crudely drawn illustration of a penis scribbled in the margins of page 326. Still…now it’s the law.

Offshore bank accounts are now taxed at the rate of churches. Churches now receive the funding of public elementary schools. Public elementary schools will be replaced with a handgun and an old copy of Highlights magazine.

The entire National Park Service now belongs to me, Dan, the third-shift assistant copy editor!

Anyone with a pre-existing condition will automatically get launched into space, but not in a fun way. This is for tax reasons.

Drilling in Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is now mandatory for all taxpayers.

Teacher expense tax credit will be replaced with one broken pair of craft scissors and half a bag of pipe cleaners (per school district).

Hissss, click. [Mastication sounds.]

Tax breaks for low-income families entirely obscured by a chilling fingerpaint reproduction of Edvard Munch’s The Scream.

Something in Russian. It’s probably fine.

A Roy Moore Love Letter Inspired by Nabokov’s Lolita

Lolita, Leigh, Debbie, Wendy, Gloria, Beverly, Tina, Gena, Becky, Lolita. Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. She was Debbie, plain Debbie, in the morning, at the courthouse, standing four feet ten with her momma. She was Gloria, in a pretty summer dress. She was Wendy at the Gadsden Mall in 1977. She was Beverly at her daddy’s house. Then, in my arms she was Gena, Tina, Becky, and then always, always Lolita, Lolita, at the schoolhouse. Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, an initial girl-child.

Lolita, to a sweeter, more beautiful girl I could not say Merry Christmas.


Roy Moore, D.A.